As this new month arrives I am reminded of the fact that I will have a birthday at the end of it.
Another year almost over, and what year its been! Engaged, married and bought my first home.
Though these milestones mark important rites of passage and steps of adulthood, I find lately, that i feel in ways more venerable and helpless than ever.
Many things seem just right, if not perfect and overflowing with joy.
Marriage, for one. I am so blessed to have my husband. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed at how much and how unconditionally he loves me. Me and all my faults and all the times he is the sane one, the bigger person.
After eight years together he still tells me I'm beautiful every day and how happy i make him.
Its also amazing to feel like you have complete confidence in someone. I feel safe, taken care of and like I will always have someone who will be my best advocate. I don't worry because I know he'd never let anything happen to me.
Love is amazing.
But lately I've had a series of medical inquires, they are still going, that make me feel a bit panicked and undone. I'm sure everything will turn out fine; but that's just the thing, its out of my control and I don't know for sure what the outcome will be and that is just almost too much for me to handle at times.
Because anything can be surpassed with time and effort. The greatest heart break, the biggest disappointments. And I think that no matter the struggle I go through, I know, somewhere in the back of my head, it can and will be overcome.
But these things, concerning my health, I can't know for sure that they will be overcome with effort and time. What if there is nothing I can do?
I find myself feeling like a child, wanting my mom and dad to hug me and tell me it will be fine and I whole heatedly believe them because they know everything and would never lie to me.
And holy perspective. I find myself asking for heartache or struggles if it could guarantee that I would be completely healthy and live until I was 90.
I'm sure some people would role their eyes if they knew what I was dealing with, because nothing is said or done and no one is saying I should be worried, but I can't help it.
Life is not a guarantee. I know I am most thankful for the one I've lived so far.
But I have miles to go before I sleep.