fight your deamons

"When we were made we were set apart
Life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in"

- Brand New, Degausser

I can't shake the feeling that I have a knack for making not so great situations worse.

I feel surrounded by people who seem to be constantly confident, sure, rational and easily happy.

And then I come around and screw it up.

It seems I can make even the calmest person livid.

So what gives?

I'm not vindictive. I do not find joy in making people mad, nor do I enjoy being upset.

As soon as its happened, i wish i could change the way i acted or handled the situation.

But its too late.

I have problems stepping back, evaluating at the moment.

And even when I'm not emotional and saying things that might make a situation worse, even when things are happy, mostly I am just plain awkward.

I can't shake this little feeling, i'll never get anything right..

Why don't I exhibit the kind of success and confidence that i was raised in?

Why do i fail to go get things and then do them well?

It seems I come from somewhere that I cannot measure up to.

I need to be able to conquer the world if I chose, but I don't think I could.

And in many ways i do want to.

Sometimes, not in the way one might think, that is not in the i hate myself and my life and am utterly depressed kind of way, but sometimes I wonder what is it that i'm good for?

I wonder this in the sort of way that I take a lot, but don't seem to have that much to offer, really at the end of the day when you consider all those out there who are brilliant and confident and, well, conquering the world in their own way.

I'm not sure i do anything excellently.

I used to think i could write decently, but even then it was not good enough in comparison.

But now that seems to be non existent.

As i realize the years that pass in my life, i am faced with the cold reality that I will not have infinite chances in this life.

I think I would say that most of the time, though definitely not all, that I do close to the best I can.

But there lies the seriously paralyzing problem; that my best simply might not ever be good enough.

For the life I aspire to lead, for the company i seek to keep.

Fear overwhelms me and I sink deeper into oblivion.

"I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right"

- brand new, degausser

bucket lists

Tonight at a family dinner at my parents house, my sister started talking about a "bucket list."

She reminded me how she and her husband and a couple they are friends with decided to start a bucket list together where they each took turns writing down something they wanted to do or experience at some point in their lives and then would do, as a group, every other year or so.

They did this as a group so that they would hold each other accountable and actually do these things instead of just talking about them, which we so often do.

So then all of us at the table started discussing our "bucket lists" and I've been brainstorming in my head ever since about all the things that would be on mine.

Not that its hard for me. In fact, Brian (my fiance) always rolls his at me for the constant ideas and adventures i propose and the things i continually come up with. I admit I have new ideas almost every week, most of them travel motivated, because that's really what I love to do most (well, besides eat).

So here is the beginning of my "bucket list", what I have so far. And god only knows it will rapidly multiply, because, hey, I'm a girl who is up for almost anything, and I have a great imagination...

- Go on a hot air balloon ride

- Go on a week long or at least several day riverboat cruise down the Mississippi visiting all the old towns and plantations

- go on a Safari in Africa

- Race sled dogs in Alaska

- Go on the sounds of music tour!! (yes, this does exist.. its in Austria)

- Go on an English countryside trip.. where I.. Stay at a manor, shoot skeet, ride horses and drink lots of tea. :)

- Visit Champagne France and go Champagne tasting

- Go on a sleigh ride, horse drawn.. preferably while its lightly snowing while taking it to a cozy dinner by the fire :)

- Go to Scotland and do something there.. not sure what yet

- Go to and stay at a ranch

- Sail through the great barrier Reef

- Ride in a biplane

- Go to a country dance in a barn

- See a Shakespeare play at the Globe in London

- Go to Prince Edward Island (Canada) - the setting of my all time favorite show, Avonlea

- Raft down the Colorado river in the Grand Canyon

- Buy myself a Chanel bag on the Champs Elyse in Paris

- Attend a winter Olympics and see snowboard cross and figure skating

- go on a cruise to Antarctica

-Successfully cook a delicious and authentically French beautiful meal

-Visit Savannah and some other southern places that are on the ocean

- See fireflies.. can you really catch them so they are all lit up in a jar??

- See a ballet by the American Ballet Theatre

- learn how to play polo

- do a multi- day overnight river rafting trip

- Go to an authentic new England clam bake

- See Lines Ballet

- see a concert in the Vienna opera house

- have tea at Laudree's tea salon in Paris

- visit big sur and take a bath under the stars

- Spend a summer ( or at least 3 weeks) at a lake or beach house shut off from tv and Internet.. just reading, cooking, swimming, sleeping on a deck under the stars some nights.

Ok, that's it for now..

More to be added later, i'm sure!

What's on your list?