"I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you."

Friday, April 9, 2010

fight your deamons

"When we were made we were set apart
Life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in"
- Brand New, Degausser

I can't shake the feeling that I have a knack for making not so great situations worse.
I feel surrounded by people who seem to be constantly confident, sure, rational and easily happy.
And then I come around and screw it up.
It seems I can make even the calmest person livid.
So what gives?
I'm not vindictive. I do not find joy in making people mad, nor do I enjoy being upset.
As soon as its happened, i wish i could change the way i acted or handled the situation.
But its too late.
I have problems stepping back, evaluating at the moment.
And even when I'm not emotional and saying things that might make a situation worse, even when things are happy, mostly I am just plain awkward.

I can't shake this little feeling, i'll never get anything right..

Why don't I exhibit the kind of success and confidence that i was raised in?
Why do i fail to go get things and then do them well?

It seems I come from somewhere that I cannot measure up to.
I need to be able to conquer the world if I chose, but I don't think I could.
And in many ways i do want to.

Sometimes, not in the way one might think, that is not in the i hate myself and my life and am utterly depressed kind of way, but sometimes I wonder what is it that i'm good for?
I wonder this in the sort of way that I take a lot, but don't seem to have that much to offer, really at the end of the day when you consider all those out there who are brilliant and confident and, well, conquering the world in their own way.

I'm not sure i do anything excellently.
I used to think i could write decently, but even then it was not good enough in comparison.
But now that seems to be non existent.

As i realize the years that pass in my life, i am faced with the cold reality that I will not have infinite chances in this life.

I think I would say that most of the time, though definitely not all, that I do close to the best I can.
But there lies the seriously paralyzing problem; that my best simply might not ever be good enough.
For the life I aspire to lead, for the company i seek to keep.
Fear overwhelms me and I sink deeper into oblivion.

"I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right"
- brand new, degausser

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