"I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you."

Monday, November 22, 2010

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom

"Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."

As I end the day today, I try hard to internalize this quote.
But it is difficult, because I feel fear.
To explain, I hope in a short and bittersweet matter: I had to check some details and facts about a medical procedure I have to have in about a week tonight, and ended up reading through the steps of these (a combined procedure) procedures in detail and the preparations I have to do before, as well as what the results could be.
I have known about what I will have to do for some weeks, and had finally done a good job of putting it out of my head until tonight.
So all the not so fun details and fears and an image of me in a violating position in front of doctors came flooding back over me and I sort of feel panicked again.

And so the quote...

Especially in this case, since the fear I have is for something I can't control or change, and something that is to come. I cannot agonize over something that is out of my hands, and it will do no good to anticipate the worst or over analyze the situation.
Instead I need to once again put it out of my head and go on living my life for the next week.
When it comes, I will surrender to those who have greater expertise than me and my health and best interest ( I hope) at heart and go through what I have to, then be done with it (hopefully).
Its as simple as that......

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Daily Mantra

This is my new thought for each day, each morning when i wake:
"All the windows of my heart I open to the day."  ~John Greenleaf Whittier

What a perfect, all encompassing thought for an approach to each day.

And, repeat...

(now if only i could find time daily for the meditation I learned in Bali, the actions of which are displayed by the statue above...)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Pretty houses goodies & France.

This morning Brian and I went to a coffee shop in our neighboring neighborhood, Mission Hills. Now we have both been in and around mission hills lots, and I also growing up.
But I had never been to the shop we went to this morning and this part of Mission Hills.
Can you say charming?! The coffee shop was mellow and cute: Espresso Mio.
They have a nice little patio in the back that overlooks a green and tree fill gorge.
But the neighborhood was what really took me by pleasant surprise.
I've always thought of Mission Hills as charming; filled with historical craftsman style houses, but this part of the community was just a step above.
We were on Fort Stockton and drove around the surrounding blocks in what we realized was one of San Diego's historic districts. Huge, tree lined streets with massive craftsman style houses, brick houses and other traditional style houses.
Up on the hill on this clear cool day, nice breeze, I couldn't really think of a better place to be.
This neighborhood just made the list of potential future homes.


After a wonderful drive through these peaceful streets we made our way back home through the more familiar parts of Mission Hills and came upon one of my favorite stores, Maison en Provence.
This store is like my favorite things exploded all over the place. It is full of beautiful things, and more importantly all French beautiful things.
Linens from Provence, soaps, teas, antique French furniture. Parisian themed totes, note cards, tissue wrapped bunches of lavender.
Though I wanted nearly everything in the store, I did find a few favorites, and came out with two of them for myself; a Garnier-Thiebaut Eiffel tower dish towel, Harney&Sons black French tea and a Provonce print little girl's sundress.
I took home the dish towel and the tea. The dress will have to wait to be a Christmas present to my niece.


After our visit to Maison en Provence Brian and I inevitably started talking about France. Me swooning over the Macaroons, the Tea, the Champagne, the Cheese, the scenery. And he came up with a new and incredible idea; why not go to France instead of to Italy like we had been planning for our first wedding anniversary in August?
And so to France we will go!!
I have been to Paris four or 5 times and to the south of France a few times but not anywhere else.
I CAN NOT wait to explore Provence and Champagne especially.
I have a bucket list, if you have not noticed, posted here on my blog, and there are three things on it that require me to be in France to do.
I cant wait to check off two out of three of them on our trip!
One, go to champagne and visit Veuve Clicquot and champagne taste, and two have tea at Laudree's tea salon in Paris.

So here's to Saturday morning's with my husband, coffee, beautiful neighborhoods full of charm, and the little things that make me happy, like Eiffel tower dish towels and trips to France. :)

“Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you. ”

― Peace Pilgrim

                                          Art salon in the historic Mission Hills Neighborhood



                                                                   Provence Lavender 


Monday, November 1, 2010


As this new month arrives I am reminded of the fact that I will have a birthday at the end of it.
Another year almost over, and what year its been! Engaged, married and bought my first home.
Though these milestones mark important rites of passage and steps of adulthood, I find lately, that i feel in ways more venerable and helpless than ever.
Many things seem just right, if not perfect and overflowing with joy.
Marriage, for one. I am so blessed to have my husband. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed at how much and how unconditionally he loves me. Me and all my faults and all the times he is the sane one, the bigger person.
After eight years together he still tells me I'm beautiful every day and how happy i make him.
Its also amazing to feel like you have complete confidence in someone. I feel safe, taken care of and like I will always have someone who will be my best advocate. I don't worry because I know he'd never let anything happen to me.
Love is amazing.

But lately I've had a series of medical inquires, they are still going, that make me feel a bit panicked and undone. I'm sure everything will turn out fine; but that's just the thing, its out of my control and I don't know for sure what the outcome will be and that is just almost too much for me to handle at times.
Because anything can be surpassed with time and effort. The greatest heart break, the biggest disappointments. And I think that no matter the struggle I go through, I know, somewhere in the back of my head, it can and will be overcome.
But these things, concerning my health, I can't know for sure that they will be overcome with effort and time. What if there is nothing I can do?
I find myself feeling like a child, wanting my mom and dad to hug me and tell me it will be fine and I whole heatedly believe them because they know everything and would never lie to me.

And holy perspective. I find myself asking for heartache or struggles if it could guarantee that I would be completely healthy and live until I was 90.

I'm sure some people would role their eyes if they knew what I was dealing with, because nothing is said or done and no one is saying I should be worried, but I can't help it.

Life is not a guarantee. I know I am most thankful for the one I've lived so far.
But I have miles to go before I sleep.