Constellations

“If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." - Mother Teresa 



A summer sky splattered with a million bright stars viewed from a porch lined with swaying trees swirls in the depths of my desires tonight. Peace and warmth, simplicity. Thinking of nothing but how beautiful it all is. The place where you have nothing dragging you, down and down. Where all toil has been forgotten and, let go.
I've been lucky enough to have many of those nights. Living completely in the moment, nothing is quite better. And now I find myself desperately wishing to be there. Desperately wishing that the monstrous effort I put into being a kind, understanding conscientious person (albeit with flaws, of course, I'm not perfect) would somehow balance things out like it usually does. I must say, with many a things at the moment, that I am at a loss. How can you offer your understanding and make an effort to give and be kind, and get not even an ounce of understanding in return? I am drained. And I am done.
Its frustrating, of course, but it also really hurts. I put myself, my heart, out there so often and so fully, and I trust that those that I do that for care enough to meet me half way and take an interest in me and my hopes, interests, concerns, as they would expect me to do for them. Yet, I'm beating my head against a wall. I'm screaming, and no one can hear me.
I have to be honest with myself. I'm not perfect. Its not like everything I have to say is more important, or my point of view is the only thing worth listening to. I have to ask myself, have I thought of what I might do differently, could I handle things differently?

I'm sure I don't have all the answers. But I know that I have done almost way too much introspection  because of my frustrations. For the things that I may have done wrong or did that hurt someone, and maybe I didn't even realize it, I've apologized. For the rest of my thoughts and opinions, they cannot be held against me.

The older I get the more and more I concentrate on trying to be open minded, diplomatic, understanding, and most importantly respectful of each individuals own path. No two people are meant to live the exact same life. There are a thousand different ways to be a woman, a mom, a human being. There is not one thing, or even one hundred things that one "should do" so we desperately need to strop trying to put people in boxes! Happiness comes in a thousand different forms, so never pity one that YOU think has something missing in their lives. Instead, if someone means something to you, a friend, a family member, and you want them to care about whats important to you in your life, take an interest in theirs. Though we may not always be in the same places in our lives at the same time, there are people we love that we want there always, and sometimes you have to make the effort to include them and let them know they are important to you. How can you ask someone to be passionate about your life when you take little to no interest in theirs?

So.. Understanding. Meeting half way. Taking an interest.
When a person is important to you, be willing to meet them half way. Retain your own opinions, interests and passions, but respect another's path. And something that I haven't mentioned, a lesson and method of thinking that I think can transcend personal relationships and reach into all interactions we have with others: make the goal of all interactions to lift someone up and make them feel good. How amazing is that thought? Approach every person withe the intention of making their day better, their outlook on life more sunny. I know I'd love it if everyone I talked to was focusing on the positive and in a way, encouraging me. We all need encouragement, a smile and most of all love. So instead of withholding these and only offering them in exchange for something that benefits us, give them often and freely. Positivity is contagious. Think of what a world we would live in if this was the general mindset.  Encouragement, smiles and love = happiness. Happiness!! And Happiness = peace. Sweet Peace.

And so I have my new goal, going forward. This is why i love blog writing, its therapeutic! Try to make every interaction a positive one, and even more, one where I have hopefully encouraged someone and maybe even made them feel good, important or even loved. Yes, thank you blog, for turning anger, frustration and hurt into motivation.

I only hope that ill be on that porch on a star filled summer night soon. Sweet peace and awesome beauty. I am grateful.

Lessons In Humility

“Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence.”  

     - Henry David Thoreau

Its the new year. I'm always surprised how quickly time passes and every new year I think, how could it already be a new year?
Life is oh so short, and oh so precious. The new year often causes us to reflect on these realities, and hopefully motivates us to prioritize. A new year often inspires us, to set goals and take advantage of the life we have been given.
As I begin the new year I have two things on my mind; defeat and examining the kind of relationships that are in my life.
The last couple of days have been humbling, to say the least. I have made some decisions and handled most situations the best way I knew how, and in some I know failed to do the right thing. I have no problem admitting fault. I am far from perfect.
It seems like a constant balancing act, walking a fine line between pleasing others, fulfilling obligations and even fitting into another's box, and being independent, making my own decisions and doing what I think is best for me. I know that it isn't really feasible to do whatever you want, when you want in life, but as we know life is short and you are in control of your own happiness. And so when do you decide to do what you know is best for you, and when do you put that aside and put others in your life before yourself?
And so I have made some decisions for myself and my own happiness, but not, I thought,  at the expense of anyone else, trying to always remember, whatever I do, to do it with kindness. None the less I seem to have disappointed or upset others, and after more than one incident in the recent days and week, I feel drained, and honestly pretty much defeated. This leaves me to question everything, and completely question myself and I hate it. I start to wonder if I really am making bad decisions, if I really am the cause of all problems and maybe what I thought was right is really me being an inconsiderate jerk.
I want to leave,  be alone where the only one I have to worry about is myself, and I can finally find peace.
And this defeat causes me to think a lot about the relationships in my life and the kind of affect different people in my life have on me.  In the past couple of months I had already been thinking about the kinds of people and kinds of relationships I want in my life. The older I get the more clear it becomes that I am the decider of my own happiness and that it is up to me to take control, as best I can, of my life and my own happiness. A big part of this is choosing who to surround myself with, and who I want in my life and who to have relationships with. Are the people in my life continuously lifting me up, inspiring me and overall being a positive influence in my life? Or are there people who emulate negativity, bring me down and hold grudges and make me feel guilty?
The answer is not always simple. Everyone has faults and no one is a perfect friend. But there comes a point when I think you can clearly realize a pattern of negativity from someone in your life. When they repeatedly bring you down, set unfair expectation or standards and act constantly disappointed in you or hurt by you.
 I want to be surrounded by people who inspire me, who motivate me and who understand, or at least make and effort to understand where I'm coming from. Relationships are about give and take, and I know if I expect this kind of support from people in my life and friends, I of course know that I must offer the same. And I know that people, myself included, can't always be this perfect friend, but there comes a point when sometimes you have to decide whether or not its worth it, whether its just to detrimental to have someone in your life who just defeats you.

Even though these thoughts and questions feel like more of a weight and seem to bring more sadness than anything, I hope that they at least leave me examining myself and how I'm living my life and force me to decide what I want in life and what is really important to me. Hopefully hard things, defeating things do that to us. Maybe they defeat us or burden us with sorrow for the short term, but hopefully they leave us with some wisdom and force us to find strength in character. Being humbled sometimes helps you realize the bigger picture. I just wish it wasn't so painful.



end note : this blog post is terribly written.. I really need to get back to writing more because its getting really bad.   Apologies.