For the past couple of days, "I've seriously had this song on repeat...
I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around
And, see what there is to see
And time is just a melody
If I could take a walk around.. If I could just be. Why does it seem that lately I spend most of my time trying. Trying oh so hard to give, and to work and work some more and prepare, and clean up and make sure everyone is OK. I just want to be. I want to just sit and enjoy the sunshine. Sit and enjoy a view. Think about nothing, or something that I'd like to think about.
This video brings me instant peace and alternately a real longing and jealousy. I instantly feel happy and peaceful watching the wonderful surfing and swimming and the sheer simplicity and peaceful pace of it all. But in many ways I also wish it was me, and feel frustrated that its not. I want to walk around barefoot and float in the ocean. I want to take it all in, enjoy the view and relish in a serene silence. I don't want to explain anything to anyone for a while or worry about everyone else and if I am saying the right thing.
Don't get me wrong. I am a happy person. I am very happy with my life and feel very lucky to have all that I do. For some reason lately it just feels exhausting. So much effort to be where I'm supposed to be and put everyone before myself all day long without anyone (besides my husband at the end of the day, thank god) asking me how I feel or how I'm doing. Effort, exhaustion, rat race? Life's too short.
I want to be selfish and think about myself a lot of the time. Not at the cost of others, just so much as to make sure I'm taking all that this wonderful world has to offer in the short time I'm lucky to be here..
But as always I am the decider of my own life and what it is or will become. I am not a helpless victim. I luckily have choices. So, if feeling less exhausted and neglected means changing my day to day, then I can figure out a way to do that. Or, it might simply mean making sure I prioritize, ignore things when I can and need to just be.
As Thoreau said:
"Our life is frittered away by detail... simplify, simplify."