Congratulations you're not a jerk!

Keep your head up

Keep your Heart Strong

Keep your mind set

Keep your mind set in your ways

Keep your heart strong

There will always be someone who has something negative to say. There's always something that could bring you down and make you feel like giving up. I think we all know we have a choice; to let someone or something bring you down and make you feel defeated or to accept constructive criticism and make the most of it.

Yet sometimes it doesn't seem that simple. You start to doubt yourself and wonder how it seems that everyone else has it together and you just cant seem to do it. You feel like you just won't succeed and ultimately like a failure. 

I sometimes grow tired of what seems to be the measure of success we look to. I feel like being a kind, thoughtful, loving and gracious person is of little importance compared to the "successes" we focus on. Having these qualities is sadly only acknowledged only with a passing wave. No one says, congratulations you are not a jerk, congratulations you offer unconditional love to those in your life and  lets go celebrate this accomplishment. I guess we dont necessarily need praise for behaving as decent human beings, but when this seems to fall by the wayside in favor of other successes it feels rather sad, defeating and even confusing sometimes. 

I think I have a certain kind of brain that doesn't understand many constraints. My brain, my heart, my emotion seeks to create beauty, foster love and embrace all the wonderful moments this world has to offer us. Life is for love, enjoyment and letting your brain ponder all the wonderful thoughts and possibilites that exist. Making art out of words and photos, attempting to match meaning, thoughts and questions to human existence. I just cant really fathom focusing on what seems like mundane details that have nothing to do with the long run.

But I know we all value different things. To each their own, all I ask is that others let me be, and do what I love and care about, as I will to them. 

And to those I know who are kind, thoughtful, gracious people, I say congratulations to you. You are few and far between. Being the way you are, I think, is the most important success of all. We need many more people who love unconditionally, dont judge others, and seek to make this world and more positive and beautiful place. You make my life worth living and I love you. Given all the negativity and judgement, those who always have something to criticize us for, you truly are what love is made of. 

Riding

Riding full speed, the windier the better. Screaming another's words that somehow give speech to your own feelings. Here you are untouchable. Sorrow and anger run freely and unapologetically. Where you ride, it matters little. Just as long as it is away, meandering and free. Its up to you alone how you do it.
Distance matching emotion, the passerby hardly noticeable through a blur of hair and eyes burning.

It ebbs and flows, as the road bends and dips, interrupted by moments of pink sky and thought.  This is a moving temple, a sanctuary of self that cannot be disrupted. Speed is power and relief,  as you soar onward.

Because on your feet you are stuck to a ground that offers little push or support. You tread on, heavy with swallowing it all. They day spins on and you do the best you can.

But then you ride into the blue, flying wildly with it all coming out the sides and letting yourself finally be the most basic wonderful you. Hopefully it leads you, in the end, to a bit of quiet. Peace is not always the final resting place, but the ride is essential. When the rest fails, it heals.

So ride and be free with no apologies.  Soar and speed on to peace and a source of inspiration.
Ride until you learn love yourself more. You deserve it.

Climb

I could go up to a high point, see the view. Maybe with height, comes clarity. Seeing far down the coast on a clear day, feeling the air up there, maybe the winds of hope and peace. Maybe its just the silence and solitude. At the end of the day, it seems like, who cares. Its up to me to get over it, whatever it is, because life goes on all around me. Full speed it swirls, life unfolding. Love buds and grows, new ones are born, people create and soldier on. Who wants to wait? And they shouldn't have to. If only I could keep up.

Climb up, up, up as high as I can go. Let my hair fly, wild all around me until I can hardly see. Let the wind blow everything around and away. Try to redeem myself through wind and sheer height. So very connected with all I see, so that it aches and whines in pain, in my bones. But I cant keep up and I can't blend into it all. Always choosing a road of resistance and pain for all, I loathe my choices and inability to love without conflict. Am I an Island? No one cares and neither do I anymore. I'm tired of hearing my own voice and thoughts. I am forgotten but I almost asked to be. They work hard to love me and I let it all dissolve and come to nothing.

It feels better at the top. So clear and so cold there is nothing left to think or say. Do I have to come down? I cant be alone up here forever and I can't act like I have a singular importance to stay up here alone or have to be coaxed down. So I guess I'll just try to absorb for the moment, the solitude and breathlessness. Coming down is next, but I cannot and do not expect fanfare. After all, life goes on below and around me.  Reaching the bottom means swallowing any fruitless or tiresome words or emotions that I may still have, and carrying on. Quietly and hopefully with a little more dignity than before. Taking responsibility for me, Ill offer what I can. Continuing on with the best effort to make choices that raise up and embrace those that have offered me love.

dream

"Dream
When you're feeling blue
Dream
That's the thing to do
Just watch the smoke rings rise in the air
You'll find your share of memories there

So, dream when the day is through
Dream and they might come true
Things never are as bad as they seem
So dream, dream, dream"

I let emotions get the best of me. This is a fact about me that is unfortunately a constant. I open wide, go big and sometimes have trouble reigning it in and balancing it all. I picture the best, predict the worst. I know I just need to let things be sometimes, to "go with it" as some say. But sometimes it just hurts too much, or I worry too much or I create perfection in my mind too much...
And I crash and burn. All of the sudden its too much. Waves of disappointment, confusion, until I can't bare people anymore and can only imagine solitude. Wandering through bluffs and woods where the mind can rest and be free without the worry of intrusion. But I always wander back, out of inability to disengage or simply defeated by loneliness. Some people have the ability to rationalize everything. I often am jealous of this life of equilibrium. But something tells me this rationalization, though a good lesson and often a source for much needed perspective, may not be the peace answer for all. Feeling with depth allows for passion and creativity and a fierceness that brings great loyalty, an eye for beauty and what lies just beyond the obvious. Things that come to mind or heart that dont usually arise from rationalizing. 

Contemplating people and feelings of sadness or disappointment, after the initial hurt, allow for a certain clarity. Clarity through emotion,  a clarity of priority, of action or lack of, and a sense of self usually becomes vivid.  
So we can "dream.. when we're feeling blue. Dream, its the thing to do."
Dream of the place where you escape the feelings that weigh you down. Solitude of a nature place. Dream of landscapes and buildings whose beauty put you at ease. 
Let the emotions reveal something; a clarity, a desire or an appreciation. 
And if all else fails escape and just dream.

Choose Joy

Choose Joy. I think I read this somewhere in the past couple of days. Its stuck in my brain and when I woke up this morning its what I thought of.
This seems simple. But many of us do not think of Joy as a choice. We think of it as something others bring to us, something things or experiences provide. It takes the right things, the right situation, the right formula to experience pure joy.  It is true that certain things or people or experiences give us joy, and often joy without the expectation of it, which is a wonderful feeling.
But like anything worthwhile in life, I think that often you have to work at joy. There are many forces working against our ability to be joyful. We live in a world of instant gratification, of impossible standards and which values things and more things. This world expects joy from thrilling experiences, lavish living and a life of pure ease. These ideas are a huge disservice to our happiness. Because life is simply not like that. Sure, there are moments of great excitement and thrill, but mostly it is just the daily rhythm of a life that is not always purely gratifying.

And so we could have this sort of mantra of "choose joy." You are not a helpless bystander of your own happiness. You are in control of it. Every day you can choose joy. Choose to be happy, to be thankful, to see the good and to be grateful for all the wonderful things the world has to offer. Some days will be much easier than others. Sometimes joy just cant help but find you, and others you will really have to work at it. But for most of those I know, we have a lot to be joyful about.
Joy means doing the things you love, however small. It means stopping to notice something beautiful around you. Finding happiness in something as small as a coffee or a song. It means knowing you are joyful because you have people in your life who love you. And in the most basic ways, and on the hardest days it means finding joy in the mere fact that you are alive and have a roof over your head, you are free of suffering and hunger.

So choose joy. Isn't it more fun anyway?

lullaby

My parents never sang me to sleep, and I can't blame them. The musical talents in our family run very, very dry. My parents did, however, tuck me in each night, tell me they loved me. These kinds of comforts are invaluable. I find sometimes one of the hardest things about being an adult is having to always take care of yourself, never having the luxury of letting someone else do it for you. Sometimes after a long day, you just want a home cooked meal and someone to tuck you in.
Sometimes I feel this loss quite painfully, knowing that not only do I now have to pick my own self up and tuck my own self in, but that one day I will be the one who is constantly doing it for my little ones. I will of course be happy to give the love and help, but where does that leave me? So much giving and taking care of others and no one swooping me up and telling me its going to be alright. At least not in the way a parent does for a child.

The one lullaby I did get to hear growing up that always makes me smile is one that was sung to us every night at a sleep away summer camp i went to for several summers. When I think of it, I am back in a cabin, tucked away in a sleeping bag on a bunk bed, feeling so safe and sure. I can smell the pine trees and feel the sting of summer sun on my skin.
And so when I really need a lullaby these days, I sing it to myself in my head.
It goes like this:

The time has come for us to say
That it has been a lovely day
And God's spirit dwelling in your heart
Won't be leaving cause the sun goes down
So have a good night
Have a good night
Have a good good night
Have a good night my good friend