Climb

I could go up to a high point, see the view. Maybe with height, comes clarity. Seeing far down the coast on a clear day, feeling the air up there, maybe the winds of hope and peace. Maybe its just the silence and solitude. At the end of the day, it seems like, who cares. Its up to me to get over it, whatever it is, because life goes on all around me. Full speed it swirls, life unfolding. Love buds and grows, new ones are born, people create and soldier on. Who wants to wait? And they shouldn't have to. If only I could keep up.

Climb up, up, up as high as I can go. Let my hair fly, wild all around me until I can hardly see. Let the wind blow everything around and away. Try to redeem myself through wind and sheer height. So very connected with all I see, so that it aches and whines in pain, in my bones. But I cant keep up and I can't blend into it all. Always choosing a road of resistance and pain for all, I loathe my choices and inability to love without conflict. Am I an Island? No one cares and neither do I anymore. I'm tired of hearing my own voice and thoughts. I am forgotten but I almost asked to be. They work hard to love me and I let it all dissolve and come to nothing.

It feels better at the top. So clear and so cold there is nothing left to think or say. Do I have to come down? I cant be alone up here forever and I can't act like I have a singular importance to stay up here alone or have to be coaxed down. So I guess I'll just try to absorb for the moment, the solitude and breathlessness. Coming down is next, but I cannot and do not expect fanfare. After all, life goes on below and around me.  Reaching the bottom means swallowing any fruitless or tiresome words or emotions that I may still have, and carrying on. Quietly and hopefully with a little more dignity than before. Taking responsibility for me, Ill offer what I can. Continuing on with the best effort to make choices that raise up and embrace those that have offered me love.

dream

"Dream
When you're feeling blue
Dream
That's the thing to do
Just watch the smoke rings rise in the air
You'll find your share of memories there

So, dream when the day is through
Dream and they might come true
Things never are as bad as they seem
So dream, dream, dream"

I let emotions get the best of me. This is a fact about me that is unfortunately a constant. I open wide, go big and sometimes have trouble reigning it in and balancing it all. I picture the best, predict the worst. I know I just need to let things be sometimes, to "go with it" as some say. But sometimes it just hurts too much, or I worry too much or I create perfection in my mind too much...
And I crash and burn. All of the sudden its too much. Waves of disappointment, confusion, until I can't bare people anymore and can only imagine solitude. Wandering through bluffs and woods where the mind can rest and be free without the worry of intrusion. But I always wander back, out of inability to disengage or simply defeated by loneliness. Some people have the ability to rationalize everything. I often am jealous of this life of equilibrium. But something tells me this rationalization, though a good lesson and often a source for much needed perspective, may not be the peace answer for all. Feeling with depth allows for passion and creativity and a fierceness that brings great loyalty, an eye for beauty and what lies just beyond the obvious. Things that come to mind or heart that dont usually arise from rationalizing. 

Contemplating people and feelings of sadness or disappointment, after the initial hurt, allow for a certain clarity. Clarity through emotion,  a clarity of priority, of action or lack of, and a sense of self usually becomes vivid.  
So we can "dream.. when we're feeling blue. Dream, its the thing to do."
Dream of the place where you escape the feelings that weigh you down. Solitude of a nature place. Dream of landscapes and buildings whose beauty put you at ease. 
Let the emotions reveal something; a clarity, a desire or an appreciation. 
And if all else fails escape and just dream.

Choose Joy

Choose Joy. I think I read this somewhere in the past couple of days. Its stuck in my brain and when I woke up this morning its what I thought of.
This seems simple. But many of us do not think of Joy as a choice. We think of it as something others bring to us, something things or experiences provide. It takes the right things, the right situation, the right formula to experience pure joy.  It is true that certain things or people or experiences give us joy, and often joy without the expectation of it, which is a wonderful feeling.
But like anything worthwhile in life, I think that often you have to work at joy. There are many forces working against our ability to be joyful. We live in a world of instant gratification, of impossible standards and which values things and more things. This world expects joy from thrilling experiences, lavish living and a life of pure ease. These ideas are a huge disservice to our happiness. Because life is simply not like that. Sure, there are moments of great excitement and thrill, but mostly it is just the daily rhythm of a life that is not always purely gratifying.

And so we could have this sort of mantra of "choose joy." You are not a helpless bystander of your own happiness. You are in control of it. Every day you can choose joy. Choose to be happy, to be thankful, to see the good and to be grateful for all the wonderful things the world has to offer. Some days will be much easier than others. Sometimes joy just cant help but find you, and others you will really have to work at it. But for most of those I know, we have a lot to be joyful about.
Joy means doing the things you love, however small. It means stopping to notice something beautiful around you. Finding happiness in something as small as a coffee or a song. It means knowing you are joyful because you have people in your life who love you. And in the most basic ways, and on the hardest days it means finding joy in the mere fact that you are alive and have a roof over your head, you are free of suffering and hunger.

So choose joy. Isn't it more fun anyway?

lullaby

My parents never sang me to sleep, and I can't blame them. The musical talents in our family run very, very dry. My parents did, however, tuck me in each night, tell me they loved me. These kinds of comforts are invaluable. I find sometimes one of the hardest things about being an adult is having to always take care of yourself, never having the luxury of letting someone else do it for you. Sometimes after a long day, you just want a home cooked meal and someone to tuck you in.
Sometimes I feel this loss quite painfully, knowing that not only do I now have to pick my own self up and tuck my own self in, but that one day I will be the one who is constantly doing it for my little ones. I will of course be happy to give the love and help, but where does that leave me? So much giving and taking care of others and no one swooping me up and telling me its going to be alright. At least not in the way a parent does for a child.

The one lullaby I did get to hear growing up that always makes me smile is one that was sung to us every night at a sleep away summer camp i went to for several summers. When I think of it, I am back in a cabin, tucked away in a sleeping bag on a bunk bed, feeling so safe and sure. I can smell the pine trees and feel the sting of summer sun on my skin.
And so when I really need a lullaby these days, I sing it to myself in my head.
It goes like this:

The time has come for us to say
That it has been a lovely day
And God's spirit dwelling in your heart
Won't be leaving cause the sun goes down
So have a good night
Have a good night
Have a good good night
Have a good night my good friend

Where time stands still

Misty with rain, a slow moving and dreamy Paris with a moonlight serenade soundtrack is where I lie. Far from the mundane it shines and inspires. The benches and love that warms them are slick and beautiful. Here is a pace and a lovely haze where time ceases to pass. Black and white with dots of warmly worn pastels shape the vignette that complete this view of romance and a passionate solitude. Both comprise the intangible magic that is this place. The people who create and are inspired by the trees, the bridges, the buildings, impossible for them to be intertwined in anything else but the sway and pull of this place, and those who are buried in one another, their infatuation only strengthened by the timeless glow of a city alight with romance.
And a sign. Just like the doors, of thick wood carefully painted in soft pretty letters inviting one to find a place in its landmark, the cafe. They say, come sit and watch. Watch the lovers, as their legs intertwine under a huge umbrella, the rain as it somehow lights up the streets and the buildings. Imagine and taste, think and love. Be here, so present and so wonderfully far away with ideas and notions that can't help but be inspired by the beauty that surrounds. The iron balconies and abundant window boxes filled with brightly colored flowers. The rooftops popping with dormers leaves an everlasting impression.
A place in time where beauty is in every inch and ideas and love thrive, never one without the other.

Absorption

Sometimes it takes a long while of inaction, of not thinking but simply being to come to a revelation. Its not often we can fully disconnect and let things happen around us and to us without putting up the barriers that we naturally do raise. We may go along, content enough, never wake from a state of complacency unable to lower the barriers or stop working towards something we feel we should be heading towards.  Or sometimes there are moments of shock and clarity or inspiration but they are fleeting.
It is often not only until we can become disconnected, observing and enjoying without a particular goal that things become clear. Maybe its the absence of pressure, or the simple act of letting ourselves just be for once, but it surely is an unexpected pleasure.

I spent the last couple of weeks in France. I went for vacation; for the food, wine and scenery. But I know that entering another country and culture always has its unexpected and lasting effects. Isnt that really the point of travel? To learn about others and how they live, and to be reminded that your ways are not the only ways. To see the differences and appreciate them and respect them, but also to realize how small the world is and how we are all really the same. People are people, who only want love and happiness and to be respected. Traveling in another country can be a humbling experience at times. You are an outsider, a guest and the native people really owe you nothing. But this really gives you the chance to disconnect and observe, slow down in a way you can never do a home. A chance to clear your mind, notice the small things and just absorb.
That is the definitive and favorite word that stays with me from my trip, absorb. Absorb the endless cheese and wine, the sunshine and foreign words floating around be with their beautiful finish. Absorb the images of rolling vineyards, buildings drenched in hundreds of years of history, the way food is so delicately prepared and presented, absorb a pulse, a rhythm, a way of life that I can stand back and admire.
I really didnt suspect the impact these weeks of absorption would have on me. I knew i'd feel relaxed, appreciative of the beauty and the delicious pastries, but not that some things would become utterly clear to me, especially when i didn't spend one minute actively looking for clarity or answers for any kinds of questions.
But, as I laid in bed on our last night in Paris, some things just occurred to me. I need to do something (job) creative and I really really really want to do it on my own terms. I've always known I like to be creative and need an outlet for it. But this was something different, something much more clear. I felt suddenly that just having a hobby of being creative every now and then was simply not going to do. I needed to do something that I created, that i was proud of on a daily basis. From this revelation I asked myself what I think are some of the hard questions; so, you want to do "something" creative... what exactly? How will you do it?
And there came my want of doing it on my own terms. Ive watched so many people I love in family turn their ideas and dreams into their own business or own way of doing what they love outside the strict expectations of "normal" jobs or companies. I've watched them make this dream into a reality and consequently made the life they love to live. So, I thought, why not me?? I can do this, I think, or at least try!
And so I've been working on a project, that I hope can turn into something I can do for a living. And the best part about it is that its my creation and I get to say how its done and when!

I've definitely been wavering between giddy hope and a sense of despair that I will never be able to pull this off and i'll never be good enough. I feel incredibly vulnerable and desperate to achieve this. But I guess that these emotions mean that this means something to me, and thats a start.

So here's hoping... for a bright future in creation and entrepreneurship...


Some photos of beautiful France! What an inspiration!