"I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you."

Saturday, July 14, 2012

ascend the mountains







"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop away from you like the leaves of Autumn." - John Muir




Last weekend I had the great fortune to go on a backpacking trip in the high sierras of Yosemite National Park. I had been to this particular high sierra camp Glen Aulin before, almost 10 years ago with my dad and sister. From the time I was about 9 until that trip when I was about 19, I had the great opportunity to have gone on several similar backpacking trips in Yosemite through a summer camp I went to near the park. I was always deeply impressed by the beauty and solitude of the high sierras, able to let the silence and magnitude of the scenery wash over me with complete surrender. It was simple to transition from the busyness and crowded throngs of "regular life" to the quiet meditative peace of the mountains. These trips always carried with them a deep spiritual retreat as well. The summer camp was rooted in deep christian faith and a kind of very close family was always formed there. These trips provided a kind of comfort and real grounding that I can scarcely recreate in my adult life.
I know the combination of simple, trusting and adaptable youth as well as nostalgia that grows as the years pass and time gap widens between then and now attributes to this view of these trips. I do know, that however exaggerated, these memories are some of the fondest of my childhood and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Our trip last weekend of course made me think about the backpacking trips of my youth, and my reaction was one of mixed feelings. For one, I felt grateful. To be back in the overwhelming beauty of the high sierras, to take a break from the "real world". I felt warm and calm remembering the trips of past. But I also felt a sort of strange melancholy for what seems like simpler times lost. I know that coming back as an adult, I had a harder time letting go completely of the everyday noise in my head, relaxing fully into the beauty and peace that surrounded me. Sadness, also,  for the lost ability to give myself more in a spiritual way. Although I don't think I can ever be completely sure of what I believe in a spiritual sense, and do know where my tendencies lead, I mourn the loss of the comfort that came with the kind of convictions I had in my youth. It saddens me, I think, not because somewhere deep down I think I have strayed from a path I should be on or a belief that I am wrongfully rejecting, but because like all humans, I long to find meaning in the world, to find a connection in the void. 
But through that sadness comes another source of joy and a different kind of comfort. The mountains were still there. They will always be there, ever present and majestic. Nature will always welcome those who seek comfort and peace in its beauty. While people continually complicate the world, marginalizing and persecuting others in the name of religion and their beliefs, the mountains remain silent pillars of peace and acceptance to all. They are more tolerant and steady than any human spoken "belief" that seems to mostly judge and ridicule. 

And so I will always return, young or old, with structured beliefs or not, eternally grateful to the incredible temple of nature that always welcomes me with open arms. Let us never take for granted the beauty of our earth, and care for it like we should. It has so much to offer us. 




Wednesday, May 23, 2012

look for the good

So keep'em coming these lines on the road 
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load 
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise 
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes 




Worry. It does no one any good, yet it often is a part of our lives. I am a worrier, I admit. I always over analyze things, I often tend to imagine the worst when it comes to people and how they feel about me. I like things all arranged nicely in a way that makes me feel good and that all is well. But life is messy, and people are unpredictable and out of my control. Here is where letting go comes in. Something that I'm not very good at. I clutch on to things, to people, desperately trying to fix and make pleasant whatever may be awry. I do it for obvious reasons; no one likes to feel unrest, but also I think somehow I usually feel like its my obligation to make things better, because I usually feel like it must be at least partially my fault.

Is this disturbing? I know I have issues with blame, and Im trying to be bigger than that. I'm working on having more faith in myself, but I'm glad that I can admit blame and don't ever want to lose humility. Mostly I want to learn how to worry less. To focus on the good, and if something is awry, do what is needed to rectify it, and then move on. This will mean that I will have to leave things and move on from things that are not perfectly wrapped up and made pleasant, because that is not always possible.  Do everything with love in mind. That's all we can do. Do good, be kind, apologize when needed and then let go, seek peace.



“If you permit your thoughts to dwell on evil you yourself will become ugly. Look only for the good in everything so you absorb the quality of beauty.” ― Paramahansa Yogananda




Simplify. Focus on the good, the beauty. Life is oh so short. Why waste it in worry? Whenever my worries overcome me, I know I need to turn the focus inward and simplify. At the end of the day we have ourselves, our earth and hopefully love. That is the good, that is the beauty. Let me focus on this, and I will be rewarded tenfold. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012



"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Plato



As I was leaving work today, I found that I was kind of grumpy. Yes, it had been kind of a long day. A LOUD day. I teach third grade, and some days the noise level is jut a little much. A day of repeating myself, again, again. A day where I felt I must have been speaking a language other than English because I got either no response or actions that showed the opposite of what I was asking...  Well, yes, these days, in what I do are inevitable, and really not that bad. Usually fatigue is the result.
In the midst of my grumpiness however, I remembered something. As a teacher you are taught to try to remember  what misbehavior almost always means in a child; and that is that a child acts out or misbehaves because they are missing some sort of fundamental emotional need. I know this, and believe it, but its not always easy to remember it or be sensitive to it when some children push you, day after day.
So I remembered this, and remembered and example that so truly proves this idea that happened just last week. I have a student who seems to always be misbehaving. As soon as my back is turned, this person is bothering other people or doing something they are not supposed to do. This person seems to never finish their work on time, or even complete it period. When this person does something they are not supposed to they lie about it... Lets just say my patience level with this individual is thin. Last week, however, this person finished work in a speedy and through manner. I was very proud of this person and made a point of telling them I was. This person proudly showed the work to a parent who immediately began criticizing the work and pointing out errors. My heart sank. It became all to clear to me that no matter what this kid does, he gets criticized. So why not act in a negative manner at school? Its all the same anyway. This kid acts out because he never gets positive feedback. Talk about feeling guilty. On the other hand, I know that this kind of behavior cannot be ignored or tolerated.
This was a sort of wake up call for me, in the sense that it challenged me once again to not forget the bigger picture. There is always so much more going on in some one's life, whether it be a child or adult. It challenged me to be a better teacher, a better person. I always try to be sensitive to others, but I can always do better. I need to do better. Take the time to ask a friend how they are, how they really are. To be supportive always of my husband and his endeavors instead of worrying about how it affects me.

I want more than anything to stay positive. Positive and peaceful. Its not that I have been unhappy, by any means. Often I find though, that its easier to complain or be disgruntled. Instead I want to chose the path of positivity. Taking the extra time and effort to be there for others in a real way, and also to keep my own life in perspective. I hope to emulate positivity. Who knows, it just might catch on.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Love of me



The better part of happiness 

is to wish to be what you are 

                          - Desiderius Erasmus



A quote of the day to let settle in. I have a lot to say about this, but not the time nor the energy at this late hour on a weeknight to do it now.
I will say that sometimes we must go through some real pain and suffering to truly realize this idea. Not in the sense that we are wishing to be someone else, but instead to give us the gumption to stand up for ourselves, to realize we are perfectly fine the way we are, alone seeking just the peace and happiness that depends on no one but ourselves, or just the same finding joy in the company and love of others, but not letting them define us.

So tonight I am thankful. And usually I say for friends, for family for all the things that are important in my life.
But tonight I am thankful, first and foremost, and so greatly for me. I feel like you are not supposed to talk about yourself like this but oh how we should! Placing value, of the utmost urgency and reverence in yourself is essential to happiness and peace. 

And so I am thankful for me and "I celebrate myself and sing myself."





The better part of happiness is to wish to be what you 

are 

                              - Desiderius Erasmus



A quote of the day to let settle in. I have a lot to say about this, but not the time nor the energy at this late hour on a weeknight to do it now.
I will say that sometimes we must go through some real pain and suffering to truly realize this idea. Not in the sense that we are wishing to be someone else, but instead to give us the gumption to stand up for ourselves, to realize we are perfectly fine the way we are, alone seeking just the peace and happiness that depends on no one but ourselves, or just the same finding joy in the company and love of others, but not letting them define us.

So tonight I am thankful. And usually I say for friends, for family for all the things that are important in my life.
But tonight I am thankful, first and foremost, and so greatly for me. I feel like you are not supposed to talk about yourself like this but oh how we should! Placing value, of the utmost urgency and reverence in yourself is essential to happiness and peace. 

And so I am thankful for me and "I celebrate myself and sing myself."



Saturday, April 14, 2012

Tintern Abbey

I love literature and poetry; I've studied many different works and ready many more for pleasure, most all of which have brought me great joy. There are those few pieces, however, that stand out and most importantly resonate so deeply within me that their impression is ever lasting.

One of these works for me is "Lines Written A Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey". This is a poem by William Wordsworth, one of my favorite poets. I'm not sure when I first read this poem, I think probably In a highschool English class. Its funny because I have not read it in a long time or even thought about it, but yesterday I was on a horribly turbulent flight and I don't do very well with turbulance. Mostly because I get motion sickness very easily, and also because it scares me a little. Whenever I get motion sickness, I close my eyes and picture a calm place. This is a technique that helps me feel better or in the worst cases, not to throw up. Usually I picture a clean white room with a four poster wooden bed that I'm lying on, and huge french doors that open up to a sea view with a nice breeze flowing through. Yesterday for some reason what came to my mind was not this image, but the image I have in my mind of the scenery described in Tintern Abbey. Really this came out of no where, but it reminded me of how much I love the poem and made me want to read it again. So this morning I am in napa, on the patio on a beautiful day at a resort and so I read the poem again. And again I was struck with the beauty of this poem. The beauty of the words and the eloquence of the language, the potency of the meaning and how deeply I connect with it.

Imposing the poem in hopes that you, readers whoever you are will read the poem too and it will move you and you will find the beauty in it that I cherish and revere two much. After all, it's the beauty in this world and in words that make life that much richer and worth while.



"Lines Written A Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey"
William Wordsworth


Five years have past; five summers, with the length
Of five long winters! and again I hear
These waters, rolling from their mountain-springs
With a sweet inland murmur.*—Once again
Do I behold these steep and lofty cliffs,
Which on a wild secluded scene impress
Thoughts of more deep seclusion; and connect
The landscape with the quiet of the sky.
The day is come when I again repose
Here, under this dark sycamore, and view 10
These plots of cottage-ground, these orchard-tufts,
Which, at this season, with their unripe fruits,
Among the woods and copses lose themselves,
Nor, with their green and simple hue, disturb
The wild green landscape. Once again I see
These hedge-rows, hardly hedge-rows, little lines
Of sportive wood run wild; these pastoral farms,
Green to the very door; and wreathes of smoke
Sent up, in silence, from among the trees,
With some uncertain notice, as might seem, 20
Of vagrant dwellers in the houseless woods,
Or of some hermit's cave, where by his fire
The hermit sits alone.

                   Though absent long,
These forms of beauty have not been to me,
As is a landscape to a blind man's eye:
But oft, in lonely rooms, and mid the din
Of towns and cities, I have owed to them,
In hours of weariness, sensations sweet,
Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart,
And passing even into my purer mind 30
With tranquil restoration:—feelings too
Of unremembered pleasure; such, perhaps,
As may have had no trivial influence
On that best portion of a good man's life;
His little, nameless, unremembered acts
Of kindness and of love. Nor less, I trust,
To them I may have owed another gift,
Of aspect more sublime; that blessed mood,
In which the burthen of the mystery,
In which the heavy and the weary weight 40
Of all this unintelligible world
Is lighten'd:—that serene and blessed mood,
In which the affections gently lead us on,
Until, the breath of this corporeal frame,
And even the motion of our human blood
Almost suspended, we are laid asleep
In body, and become a living soul:
While with an eye made quiet by the power
Of harmony, and the deep power of joy,
We see into the life of things.

50
                                                If this
Be but a vain belief, yet, oh! how oft,
In darkness, and amid the many shapes
Of joyless day-light; when the fretful stir
Unprofitable, and the fever of the world,
Have hung upon the beatings of my heart,
How oft, in spirit, have I turned to thee
O sylvan Wye! Thou wanderer through the wood
How often has my spirit turned to thee!

And now, with gleams of half-extinguish'd though[t,]
With many recognitions dim and faint, 60
And somewhat of a sad perplexity,
The picture of the mind revives again:
While here I stand, not only with the sense
Of present pleasure, but with pleasing thoughts
That in this moment there is life and food
For future years. And so I dare to hope
Though changed, no doubt, from what I was, when first
I came among these hills; when like a roe
I bounded o'er the mountains, by the sides
Of the deep rivers, and the lonely streams, 70
Wherever nature led; more like a man
Flying from something that he dreads, than one
Who sought the thing he loved. For nature then
(The coarser pleasures of my boyish days,
And their glad animal movements all gone by,)
To me was all in all.—I cannot paint
What then I was. The sounding cataract
Haunted me like a passion: the tall rock,
The mountain, and the deep and gloomy wood,
Their colours and their forms, were then to me 80
An appetite: a feeling and a love,
That had no need of a remoter charm,
By thought supplied, or any interest
Unborrowed from the eye.—That time is past,
And all its aching joys are now no more,
And all its dizzy raptures. Not for this
Faint I, nor mourn nor murmur; other gifts
Have followed, for such loss, I would believe,
Abundant recompence. For I have learned
To look on nature, not as in the hour 90
Of thoughtless youth, but hearing oftentimes
The still, sad music of humanity,
Nor harsh nor grating, though of ample power
To chasten and subdue. And I have felt
A presence that disturbs me with the joy
Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime
Of something far more deeply interfused,
Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,
And the round ocean, and the living air,
And the blue sky, and in the mind of man, 100
A motion and a spirit, that impels
All thinking things, all objects of all thought,
And rolls through all things. Therefore am I still
A lover of the meadows and the woods,
And mountains; and of all that we behold
From this green earth; of all the mighty world
Of eye and ear, both what they half-create,*
And what perceive; well pleased to recognize
In nature and the language of the sense,
The anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse, 110
The guide, the guardian of my heart, and soul
Of all my moral being.

                                     Nor, perchance,
If I were not thus taught, should I the more
Suffer my genial spirits to decay:
For thou art with me, here, upon the banks
Of this fair river; thou, my dearest Friend,
My dear, dear Friend, and in thy voice I catch
The language of my former heart, and read
My former pleasures in the shooting lights
Of thy wild eyes. Oh! yet a little while 120
May I behold in thee what I was once,
My dear, dear Sister! And this prayer I make,
Knowing that Nature never did betray
The heart that loved her; 'tis her privilege,
Through all the years of this our life, to lead
From joy to joy: for she can so inform
The mind that is within us, so impress
With quietness and beauty, and so feed
With lofty thoughts, that neither evil tongues,
Rash judgments, nor the sneers of selfish men, 130
Nor greetings where no kindness is, nor all
The dreary intercourse of daily life,
Shall e'er prevail against us, or disturb
Our chearful faith that all which we behold
Is full of blessings. Therefore let the moon
Shine on thee in thy solitary walk;
And let the misty mountain winds be free
To blow against thee: and in after years,
When these wild ecstasies shall be matured
Into a sober pleasure, when thy mind 140
Shall be a mansion for all lovely forms,
Thy memory be as a dwelling-place
For all sweet sounds and harmonies; Oh! then,
If solitude, or fear, or pain, or grief,
Should be thy portion, with what healing thoughts
Of tender joy wilt thou remember me,
And these my exhortations! Nor, perchance,
If I should be, where I no more can hear
Thy voice, nor catch from thy wild eyes these gleams
Of past existence, wilt thou then forget 150
That on the banks of this delightful stream
We stood together; and that I, so long
A worshipper of Nature, hither came,
Unwearied in that service: rather say
With warmer love, oh! with far deeper zeal
Of holier love. Nor wilt thou then forget,
That after many wanderings, many years
Of absence, these steep woods and lofty cliffs,
And this green pastoral landscape, were to me
More dear, both for themselves and for thy sake. 160

Saturday, April 7, 2012

sorrow

I don't have a lot of time to write now, so Ill just share a few brief thoughts that are so ever present for me right now.
The main one is sorrow. That explains how I feel right now. Sorrow, which floods my whole self and sinks in, heavy and not fleeing. Broken. I feel broken and not just wounded. Broken to where I know that there is no relatively simple fix. I wish i could find a way to wrench an effort from deep inside to do whatever it takes to simply address the sorrow and muster up whatever I had, do whatever I needed to do to fix it. But I know deep inside I'm too far gone for this to be possible. I feel the weight too heavily and I have no strength left.
I'm also not even sure where to start. These things that I feel run so deeply and are so entangled in me that I feel so lost. I just want to melt away and turn to dust.
Instead I must face each grueling day that will follow and try to be a decent human being to others when I need to interact with people, when all I want to do is say nothing, be nothing and just disappear.

I'm praying for strength and somehow peace. That I can move on with dignity and somehow feel like myself again.

Here's hoping.