Live And Let Live

Guilt Trip. Two painful little words. Feeling guilty, what is that really? Some say that to feel guilt you must know deep down you are doing something wrong. Often that is true, but not always. Sometimes people close to you, who hold meaning in your life can make you feel bad, "guilt trip" you about something that you really shouldn't have to feel bad about. Often it comes simply from a difference in opinion, and the unwillingness from the party giving the guilt trip to live and let live. Instead of realizing that another might have a different idea, or a different way of doing things that is perfectly acceptable, they take it as simply a wrong or an unacceptable way and therefore must make the other feel bad about their choice or ways.
The funny thing is that if we had a disagreement of this nature with a stranger or mere acquaintance we would never really experience the guilt trip. We would logically recognize the absurdity of the accusations or simple difference in opinion. When we deal with those who hold significant meaning and history in our lives everything changes. Emotion, rather than logic wins and the guilt ensues.

Now ive never been big on dishing out the guilt. I'm more of a spill my guts/anger type. And honestly, I think this way, though more upsetting at first, is much more productive in the end. Guilt tripping is passive aggressive. Two of my least favorite words in the english language. If you have an issue, address it, honestly and head on. I dont know about you, but I respond much better and find myself more understanding when someone comes directly to me and says im feeling this way because of this, and this is what I need from you. If it comes from a place of sincerity, of wanting to be honest because the relationship is important to them and you, then by all means. Relationships, of all kinds, are not easy. We must work at them and be willing to give and take, and most importantly be honest and conscientious of one another.
What, really is the point of making someone feel guilty? To make someone feel bad because you think they deserve it? To make yourself feel better?  To get what you want out of the situation and the other person? Does it ever solve any problems? I really think it is the worst solution or non solution there is.

What I want out of life is to enjoy and take in all the world has to offer. To live my life to the fullest and it goes without saying, doing so without harm to others. I am, of course willing to make sacrifices for those I love in my life, also to go out of my way to show them I care and that I love them. I am happy to do all that. But I will not apologize or feel guilty or badly for how I choose to live it. It is my life after all. And I think those that really know me would be hard pressed to say that I live it without regard for others or their feelings. So although I am happy to give, I cannot always bend over backwards and be at the beckon call and command of others. I am a grown woman with my own convictions, time and joys.

And so I love live and let live. Find what gives you joy and share that with others when you can. Don't make anyone feel guilty about doing their own thing. As long as someone is living with love in mind, what do you really have to make them feel guilty about? Spend your energy pursuing beauty and grace and joy.
Live and let live.


Love this song so much. Enjoy.

Take A Walk Around

For the past couple of days, "I've seriously had this song on repeat...

I hope this old train breaks down


Then I could take a walk around


And, see what there is to see


And time is just a melody

If I could take a walk around.. If I could just be. Why does it seem that lately I spend most of my time trying. Trying oh so hard to give, and to work and work some more and prepare, and clean up and make sure everyone is OK.  I just want to be. I want to just sit and enjoy the sunshine. Sit and enjoy a view. Think about nothing, or something that I'd like to think about.  

This video brings me instant peace and alternately a real longing and jealousy. I instantly feel happy and peaceful watching the wonderful surfing and swimming and the sheer simplicity and peaceful pace of it all. But in many ways I also wish it was me, and feel frustrated that its not.  I want to walk around barefoot and float in the ocean. I want to take it all in, enjoy the view and relish in a serene silence. I don't want to explain anything to anyone for a while or worry about everyone else and if I am saying the right thing. 

Don't get me wrong. I am a happy person. I am very happy with my life and feel very lucky to have all that I do. For some reason lately it just feels exhausting. So much effort to be where I'm supposed to be and put everyone before myself all day long without anyone (besides my husband at the end of the day, thank god) asking me how I feel or how I'm doing. Effort, exhaustion, rat race? Life's too short. 

I want to be selfish and think about myself a lot of the time. Not at the cost of others, just so much as to make sure I'm taking all that this wonderful world has to offer in the short time I'm lucky to be here..

But as always I am the decider of my own life and what it is or will become. I am not a helpless victim. I luckily have choices. So, if feeling less exhausted and neglected means changing my day to day, then I can figure out a way to do that. Or, it might simply mean making sure I prioritize, ignore things when I can and need to just be. 

As Thoreau said:

"Our life is frittered away by detail... simplify, simplify."

Constellations

“If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." - Mother Teresa 



A summer sky splattered with a million bright stars viewed from a porch lined with swaying trees swirls in the depths of my desires tonight. Peace and warmth, simplicity. Thinking of nothing but how beautiful it all is. The place where you have nothing dragging you, down and down. Where all toil has been forgotten and, let go.
I've been lucky enough to have many of those nights. Living completely in the moment, nothing is quite better. And now I find myself desperately wishing to be there. Desperately wishing that the monstrous effort I put into being a kind, understanding conscientious person (albeit with flaws, of course, I'm not perfect) would somehow balance things out like it usually does. I must say, with many a things at the moment, that I am at a loss. How can you offer your understanding and make an effort to give and be kind, and get not even an ounce of understanding in return? I am drained. And I am done.
Its frustrating, of course, but it also really hurts. I put myself, my heart, out there so often and so fully, and I trust that those that I do that for care enough to meet me half way and take an interest in me and my hopes, interests, concerns, as they would expect me to do for them. Yet, I'm beating my head against a wall. I'm screaming, and no one can hear me.
I have to be honest with myself. I'm not perfect. Its not like everything I have to say is more important, or my point of view is the only thing worth listening to. I have to ask myself, have I thought of what I might do differently, could I handle things differently?

I'm sure I don't have all the answers. But I know that I have done almost way too much introspection  because of my frustrations. For the things that I may have done wrong or did that hurt someone, and maybe I didn't even realize it, I've apologized. For the rest of my thoughts and opinions, they cannot be held against me.

The older I get the more and more I concentrate on trying to be open minded, diplomatic, understanding, and most importantly respectful of each individuals own path. No two people are meant to live the exact same life. There are a thousand different ways to be a woman, a mom, a human being. There is not one thing, or even one hundred things that one "should do" so we desperately need to strop trying to put people in boxes! Happiness comes in a thousand different forms, so never pity one that YOU think has something missing in their lives. Instead, if someone means something to you, a friend, a family member, and you want them to care about whats important to you in your life, take an interest in theirs. Though we may not always be in the same places in our lives at the same time, there are people we love that we want there always, and sometimes you have to make the effort to include them and let them know they are important to you. How can you ask someone to be passionate about your life when you take little to no interest in theirs?

So.. Understanding. Meeting half way. Taking an interest.
When a person is important to you, be willing to meet them half way. Retain your own opinions, interests and passions, but respect another's path. And something that I haven't mentioned, a lesson and method of thinking that I think can transcend personal relationships and reach into all interactions we have with others: make the goal of all interactions to lift someone up and make them feel good. How amazing is that thought? Approach every person withe the intention of making their day better, their outlook on life more sunny. I know I'd love it if everyone I talked to was focusing on the positive and in a way, encouraging me. We all need encouragement, a smile and most of all love. So instead of withholding these and only offering them in exchange for something that benefits us, give them often and freely. Positivity is contagious. Think of what a world we would live in if this was the general mindset.  Encouragement, smiles and love = happiness. Happiness!! And Happiness = peace. Sweet Peace.

And so I have my new goal, going forward. This is why i love blog writing, its therapeutic! Try to make every interaction a positive one, and even more, one where I have hopefully encouraged someone and maybe even made them feel good, important or even loved. Yes, thank you blog, for turning anger, frustration and hurt into motivation.

I only hope that ill be on that porch on a star filled summer night soon. Sweet peace and awesome beauty. I am grateful.

Lessons In Humility

“Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence.”  

     - Henry David Thoreau

Its the new year. I'm always surprised how quickly time passes and every new year I think, how could it already be a new year?
Life is oh so short, and oh so precious. The new year often causes us to reflect on these realities, and hopefully motivates us to prioritize. A new year often inspires us, to set goals and take advantage of the life we have been given.
As I begin the new year I have two things on my mind; defeat and examining the kind of relationships that are in my life.
The last couple of days have been humbling, to say the least. I have made some decisions and handled most situations the best way I knew how, and in some I know failed to do the right thing. I have no problem admitting fault. I am far from perfect.
It seems like a constant balancing act, walking a fine line between pleasing others, fulfilling obligations and even fitting into another's box, and being independent, making my own decisions and doing what I think is best for me. I know that it isn't really feasible to do whatever you want, when you want in life, but as we know life is short and you are in control of your own happiness. And so when do you decide to do what you know is best for you, and when do you put that aside and put others in your life before yourself?
And so I have made some decisions for myself and my own happiness, but not, I thought,  at the expense of anyone else, trying to always remember, whatever I do, to do it with kindness. None the less I seem to have disappointed or upset others, and after more than one incident in the recent days and week, I feel drained, and honestly pretty much defeated. This leaves me to question everything, and completely question myself and I hate it. I start to wonder if I really am making bad decisions, if I really am the cause of all problems and maybe what I thought was right is really me being an inconsiderate jerk.
I want to leave,  be alone where the only one I have to worry about is myself, and I can finally find peace.
And this defeat causes me to think a lot about the relationships in my life and the kind of affect different people in my life have on me.  In the past couple of months I had already been thinking about the kinds of people and kinds of relationships I want in my life. The older I get the more clear it becomes that I am the decider of my own happiness and that it is up to me to take control, as best I can, of my life and my own happiness. A big part of this is choosing who to surround myself with, and who I want in my life and who to have relationships with. Are the people in my life continuously lifting me up, inspiring me and overall being a positive influence in my life? Or are there people who emulate negativity, bring me down and hold grudges and make me feel guilty?
The answer is not always simple. Everyone has faults and no one is a perfect friend. But there comes a point when I think you can clearly realize a pattern of negativity from someone in your life. When they repeatedly bring you down, set unfair expectation or standards and act constantly disappointed in you or hurt by you.
 I want to be surrounded by people who inspire me, who motivate me and who understand, or at least make and effort to understand where I'm coming from. Relationships are about give and take, and I know if I expect this kind of support from people in my life and friends, I of course know that I must offer the same. And I know that people, myself included, can't always be this perfect friend, but there comes a point when sometimes you have to decide whether or not its worth it, whether its just to detrimental to have someone in your life who just defeats you.

Even though these thoughts and questions feel like more of a weight and seem to bring more sadness than anything, I hope that they at least leave me examining myself and how I'm living my life and force me to decide what I want in life and what is really important to me. Hopefully hard things, defeating things do that to us. Maybe they defeat us or burden us with sorrow for the short term, but hopefully they leave us with some wisdom and force us to find strength in character. Being humbled sometimes helps you realize the bigger picture. I just wish it wasn't so painful.



end note : this blog post is terribly written.. I really need to get back to writing more because its getting really bad.   Apologies.

things that make me smile

Its been a bit of a stressful week or couple of weeks. Nothing too important or life changing, just feeling run down and a bit neglected or forgotten at times.
But, tonight I finally feel more relaxed than I have in days. Nothing has really changed, per say, except that I guess I feel like I'm starting to  learn to let go a little. I am a person who puts myself out there, heart and soul and relish in my connection with others. This I see as a positive, and I will of course continue to this.  But at times it leaves me feeling a bit wounded. Sometimes I don't seem to get back as much as I feel I am giving. Of course I am not some perfect selfless person, but I do love and like to feel love in return.
So I guess I'm discovering, or attempting to anyway, the balance between throwing myself  into continuously giving myself and my feelings to others, and knowing when to back into the shadows and be patient. How to weather other's storms that need to pass before they are able to give of themselves to me. It will never be easy for me, but patience is everything.
This doesn't mean that I will withhold my love and support until I am sure it can be reciprocated; what kind of relationship would that be? Instead it means knowing when to take a step back, silently always loving, but seeking peace and other joys from within myself and what the earth has given me.

And tonight as I finally am getting better at achieving these goals, I can't help but think of some things that tonight, and through all my recent stresses have made me smile.

My husband! Sometimes I feel like without him I really would feel so alone. No matter what I know he is always there for me and always supports and loves me. And most of the time he goes that extra mile to   do something funny or sweet that makes me smile.

Tea. Tea in the morning to help wake me up and savor a few quiet moments in a hectic day, and herbal tea at night in my PJ's to help me relax.

A TV show that shall not be named about a group of really strong women who make it through some pretty tough obstacles. Its inspiring and entertaining too!

 My comfy bed and a good night's sleep, unexpectedly catching the breeze on my face and Harry Potter movies.

This blog post has turned totally cheesy and I apologize.
But there you have it.

Is anyone out there ?

What makes something important to you? Is it only when someone else recognizes that thing you do, or it is also valuable to them to? Does it take someone else to validate something? Or can we find the value in it ourselves?
We are a being that seems to need and constantly seek approval form others. Why do we wear what we do, do the activities we do? Is it because we, and we alone find satisfaction in it? Or is it because we know others will recognize it and compliment us?
I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking approval. We are social creatures who thrive by human connection. Connection which includes love, support, empathy and acceptance or praise.
Where the problem lies, I think obviously, is if our sole vindication comes from others. We have to have faith in ourselves. We have to seek what motivates us and what we are passionate about no matter what the reaction of others is, as long as its not harmful to anyone.
But we all know that we feel better when something we work hard on, something we pour our heart and soul into is recognized and appreciated by others.
Today I've been asked a challenging question: Why do I write? What is the motivation?
Is it just an outlet for my feelings and thoughts, And will I continue regardless of what others think or even if they care to read it at all?
Is the point so that I can gain popularity? If that is so, does it mean that I need to simply write about what I think people most want to hear?
Of course the ideal is, write what you want, what inspires you and people will naturally flock to it, showering you with praise for your unique approach and world view. And I laugh.
Oh, the emotion. What is writing but an explosion of emotion? At least the kind of writing I'm talking about.
All I know is I write what I know, what I feel, what I have questions about. Essentially the things that move me and that I think are the fundamental motivators and questions of life.
And lately, mostly I feel lonesome about it. Is anyone out there listening? Does anyone care?
Does it matter?
To answer one of these questions, even if no one is reading, I'll keep on writing. Because more than anything it feels like an extension of me. A natural expression of someone who at many times, as I say, has too many feelings, too many thoughts and questions to keep inside. I can't seem to find any other way for expression I so deeply crave that fulfills this need.
Now, do I have anything to say that warrants people's time and interest? I don't know.
This thought is humbling, at best. Sometimes I think, what is a creation if you can't share it? Especially one that is supposed to warrant inspiration?
And I know there are so many out there that do it better, so why would it be me they care to follow?
But alas, I know I can't worry about that. I have to do what feels natural and what feels like me.
Because when I write that's what you get, me. Love it, hate it bored by it, whatever it may be, its me.
Sometimes its a better more eloquent representation of me, but that's the way it goes.

So I call out to  the void: I hope someone is listening. Because I care about you, because I want to inspire creation, love, connectivity, thought, and the act of questioning.
And if anyone out there is listening, I say thank you. Thank you more than you know. For taking the time to hear me, to have interest enough to listen to my thoughts and my creation.

The steaks are high, but the risk is worth the possibility of complete failure. 

Travel keepsakes and Inspirations

Mykonos, Greece

                                                                      

If you know me, or have read my blog you probably know how much I love to travel. I was looking for a photo the other day and came across some of my pictures from various trips. It was great to see them, and re-visit those wonderful places, but I must say It didn't help subside the travel urge I constantly battle. Especially because lately for some reason it is stronger than ever. I think its because a lot of my friends are traveling and I don't have any trips planned or coming up to put my energy into....
Sigh.
And because today I feel stressed and really just feel like leaving my stresses behind and escaping..

Well enough of my self pity party. Hope you enjoy the photos.

Yosemite

                                                      

Paris

Bali, Indonesia

Maui, Hawaii

Bruges, Belgium

Yosemite 

Naxos, Greece

Mykonos, Greece

Napa, California

Naxos, Greece

Maui, Hawaii

Bali, Indonesia

Palm Desert, CA

Santorini, Greece

Palm Springs, ca

Bali, Indonesia

Santorini, Greee

Mykonos, Greece