Happy Halloween!

A Cliff Dwelling

There sandy seems the golden sky
And golden seems the sandy plain.
No habitation meets the eye
Unless in the horizon rim,
Some halfway up the limestone wall,
That spot of black is not a stain
Or shadow, but a cavern hole,
Where someone used to climb and crawl
To rest from his besetting fears.
I see the callus on his soul
The disappearing last of him
And of his race starvation slim,
Oh years ago - ten thousand years.

Robert Frost

People are too much it seems, sometimes. 

We are ticking bombs, waiting to explode all over the person that taps into the raw that is so ever present inside.

It seems easier to just avoid it all together.

I crave solitude today.

To be lost in a foreign city, where no one knows me or cares about me.

Or completely alone in a forest.

Somewhere away from the emotionally charged sea of people i somehow have no idea how to deal with anymore.

This doesn't mean i am a miserable human being. That i hate the world and all who inhabit it.

It just means that sometimes I need to be lost in the caverns of my own thoughts. 

And maybe it means i feel disillusioned or a bit anti-social.

Sometimes I just want to be. I don't want to worry about how my being or what I'm saying affects someone else.

If I could float on, down a quiet river... and if you could all just let me be.

"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I guess many people are not exceptionally talented. That sounds harsh, I know, but think about the words. Exceptionally, talented. That means you stand out. It means genius in some cases, or even just a glimpse into some way or something in a new light, that brings inspiration, thought, maybe awe.
So, yes, most people are not exceptionally talented.
I realize this.
But i crave creativity in my bones, and so seek those who not only exhibit this, but light up a fire, inspire and create awe and motivation.
So, as I read their blogs, view their creations, I sometimes feel sorely inept.
I know i have the creative drive, its a need for survival. But what can I create?
I think I have the subtle desertion it takes to recognize that something different, that something that we often seek to exude but just cant get there.
So from point A to B... ?
Are those who recognize destined to be simply recognizers their whole lives?
Or can we too become creators?

I long to create beautiful art, sew innovative and inspiring garments, create feasts that feed the soul.

 I wish anything and everything in my life could reflect that little light that speaks to creativity, beauty and that something different and inspiring.
But, am I capable? And also, am I too lazy?
Why can't it be that I just can't help it, that it seeps from my very pores?

All I know is that today I can feel the angst thriving within me. The frustration from lack of creation and creative brilliance.
I crave it and need it, yet am not sure exactly how to produce it.

Whenever i have these feelings at this intensity (because these feeling are always there, but not always so strong), I find I can't imagine that any other human could possibly know exactly how i feel and I long to be a recluse.
My tortured mind is just too complex.
yeah... ha.
I flatter myself.

I am not musically talented, god knows. But I love music. And what a brilliant creative outlet.
Its amazing how much music moves us, how expressive and innovative it lets us be.
Whenever I go to a good concert, I enjoy it, very much, but I also feel a sort of melancholy.
Because I can't have that outlet. Because I know in my bones I need to be putting something out there, in a way that really speaks. And not sure I can, or if I'm good enough, or how I can do it exactly.

Ok, so writing is definitely an outlet for me. But its not graphic in the visual sense. Which really strikes me. You can't stare at a page of writing and instantly be moved. You have to read, and contemplate. And thats ok, but sometimes I just want an instant punch.
And music is not visual, but its just so stimulating.

The other thing is, being profoundly creative is exhausting. Its like an adrenaline rush.
So how to keep it up?

I'm not sure where this leaves me.
I feel in all of my being I need to produce; in a way that is profound, beautiful, moving, inspiring and eye opening.
But how to do it, or how to keep it up?

God bless the creative geniuses; all you artists, musicians, photographers, chefs, paper artists, designers, writers and all those in between who combine these and more in a way that's new and interesting.
Because that is what life is all about, right?
Discovering and seeing the world in a new way on a constant basis.
Hell, even if its not necessary to survival, it sure makes me happy.



                                                              Some Visual Inspiration
                                                                        (me; I like)

A thought for every day

"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love. "




-Marcus Aurelius 

Spend the afternoon. You can't take it with you.

The World  is Too much With us by William Wordsworth
The World is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours
And are up-gather’d now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for every thing, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.—Great God! I’d rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn,—
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathéd horn.

It isn't often in an young person's life that one really contemplates the brevity or fragility of being alive.
We wander on, worrying about day to day stresses or anxiously awaiting our next fun adventure.
It sometimes seems hard to concentrate on the present; we are awaiting the next great thing.
But as soon as a moment comes, it passes and we can never get it back.
How many do i know who are just waiting for something to pass, or getting though the week so they can have time for themselves on the weekend?
But what we forget, is that that time we are just waiting and hoping will pass is life, is living, that is being alive!
How sad to just "live" only in the few moments that we chose, and throw the rest away.
Because life is short, its precious, and any day may be your last.
Yes, we are young, and therefore must be invincible.
But we are not.

I had to have a mole removed from my stomach last week.
It was not as simple as a small removal of a tiny mole.
They had to cut a significant part around the mole out because this mole was one step away from Melanoma. Cancer.
Cancer -that I could never have, because I am young, and fit, and healthy.

Nobody is invincible,.
And though it could have been an lot worse, I was faced with a significant reality check.
Thoughts spun through my head. So young, so much yet to do, not ready to leave.

Its almost wonderful to be forced to evaluate your life, in spite of how terrifying it is.
I thought, where have I been, what have i done, where am I now?

And I thought...

Where have I been?
I have been overly blessed and born into a family with arms wide open.
Never had to doubt I was so very loved, and cared for.
Never had to wonder if I was important or worthy of love.
Had every door opened to me to succeed in my life, and every other door to explore the world and enjoy this precious life i was given.

What have I done?

I have gone to school, learned and graduated from college.
I have traveled much of the world, though there is still so much to see, but i'm only 27.
I have discovered a career that means something, to me, and to those i teach, and that I love.
I have loved, fully and whole heartedly without reservation, my friends, my family, and with relationships.
I have made mistakes and taken them to heart and worked on being better and doing better next time, then moved on.
I have found the love of my life! And we have promised to each other to start a family of our own and dedicate our lives to one another, getting married this august.

Where am I now?
Learning how to be an adult, depending on my parents less and less ( though god knows i'll always need them in a way that every child needs their parents).
Getting ready to make a family of my own (marriage, then in a little while, children of my own)
Feeling joyful and like I am coming into my own.
And most importantly, when i reflected on my life and where I am now, i knew I had no regrets.
No regrets!
I have never been perfect, but I know that I have loved and learned and given freely of myself.
And i don't think i could do any better than that.

And so let us appreciate every single day we are given.
Every second, even the bad ones.
Because we are alive, and this is the only chance we get.

fight your deamons

"When we were made we were set apart
Life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in"

- Brand New, Degausser

I can't shake the feeling that I have a knack for making not so great situations worse.

I feel surrounded by people who seem to be constantly confident, sure, rational and easily happy.

And then I come around and screw it up.

It seems I can make even the calmest person livid.

So what gives?

I'm not vindictive. I do not find joy in making people mad, nor do I enjoy being upset.

As soon as its happened, i wish i could change the way i acted or handled the situation.

But its too late.

I have problems stepping back, evaluating at the moment.

And even when I'm not emotional and saying things that might make a situation worse, even when things are happy, mostly I am just plain awkward.

I can't shake this little feeling, i'll never get anything right..

Why don't I exhibit the kind of success and confidence that i was raised in?

Why do i fail to go get things and then do them well?

It seems I come from somewhere that I cannot measure up to.

I need to be able to conquer the world if I chose, but I don't think I could.

And in many ways i do want to.

Sometimes, not in the way one might think, that is not in the i hate myself and my life and am utterly depressed kind of way, but sometimes I wonder what is it that i'm good for?

I wonder this in the sort of way that I take a lot, but don't seem to have that much to offer, really at the end of the day when you consider all those out there who are brilliant and confident and, well, conquering the world in their own way.

I'm not sure i do anything excellently.

I used to think i could write decently, but even then it was not good enough in comparison.

But now that seems to be non existent.

As i realize the years that pass in my life, i am faced with the cold reality that I will not have infinite chances in this life.

I think I would say that most of the time, though definitely not all, that I do close to the best I can.

But there lies the seriously paralyzing problem; that my best simply might not ever be good enough.

For the life I aspire to lead, for the company i seek to keep.

Fear overwhelms me and I sink deeper into oblivion.

"I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right"

- brand new, degausser

bucket lists

Tonight at a family dinner at my parents house, my sister started talking about a "bucket list."

She reminded me how she and her husband and a couple they are friends with decided to start a bucket list together where they each took turns writing down something they wanted to do or experience at some point in their lives and then would do, as a group, every other year or so.

They did this as a group so that they would hold each other accountable and actually do these things instead of just talking about them, which we so often do.

So then all of us at the table started discussing our "bucket lists" and I've been brainstorming in my head ever since about all the things that would be on mine.

Not that its hard for me. In fact, Brian (my fiance) always rolls his at me for the constant ideas and adventures i propose and the things i continually come up with. I admit I have new ideas almost every week, most of them travel motivated, because that's really what I love to do most (well, besides eat).

So here is the beginning of my "bucket list", what I have so far. And god only knows it will rapidly multiply, because, hey, I'm a girl who is up for almost anything, and I have a great imagination...

- Go on a hot air balloon ride

- Go on a week long or at least several day riverboat cruise down the Mississippi visiting all the old towns and plantations

- go on a Safari in Africa

- Race sled dogs in Alaska

- Go on the sounds of music tour!! (yes, this does exist.. its in Austria)

- Go on an English countryside trip.. where I.. Stay at a manor, shoot skeet, ride horses and drink lots of tea. :)

- Visit Champagne France and go Champagne tasting

- Go on a sleigh ride, horse drawn.. preferably while its lightly snowing while taking it to a cozy dinner by the fire :)

- Go to Scotland and do something there.. not sure what yet

- Go to and stay at a ranch

- Sail through the great barrier Reef

- Ride in a biplane

- Go to a country dance in a barn

- See a Shakespeare play at the Globe in London

- Go to Prince Edward Island (Canada) - the setting of my all time favorite show, Avonlea

- Raft down the Colorado river in the Grand Canyon

- Buy myself a Chanel bag on the Champs Elyse in Paris

- Attend a winter Olympics and see snowboard cross and figure skating

- go on a cruise to Antarctica

-Successfully cook a delicious and authentically French beautiful meal

-Visit Savannah and some other southern places that are on the ocean

- See fireflies.. can you really catch them so they are all lit up in a jar??

- See a ballet by the American Ballet Theatre

- learn how to play polo

- do a multi- day overnight river rafting trip

- Go to an authentic new England clam bake

- See Lines Ballet

- see a concert in the Vienna opera house

- have tea at Laudree's tea salon in Paris

- visit big sur and take a bath under the stars

- Spend a summer ( or at least 3 weeks) at a lake or beach house shut off from tv and Internet.. just reading, cooking, swimming, sleeping on a deck under the stars some nights.

Ok, that's it for now..

More to be added later, i'm sure!

What's on your list?