Spend the afternoon. You can't take it with you.

The World  is Too much With us by William Wordsworth
The World is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours
And are up-gather’d now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for every thing, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.—Great God! I’d rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn,—
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathéd horn.

It isn't often in an young person's life that one really contemplates the brevity or fragility of being alive.
We wander on, worrying about day to day stresses or anxiously awaiting our next fun adventure.
It sometimes seems hard to concentrate on the present; we are awaiting the next great thing.
But as soon as a moment comes, it passes and we can never get it back.
How many do i know who are just waiting for something to pass, or getting though the week so they can have time for themselves on the weekend?
But what we forget, is that that time we are just waiting and hoping will pass is life, is living, that is being alive!
How sad to just "live" only in the few moments that we chose, and throw the rest away.
Because life is short, its precious, and any day may be your last.
Yes, we are young, and therefore must be invincible.
But we are not.

I had to have a mole removed from my stomach last week.
It was not as simple as a small removal of a tiny mole.
They had to cut a significant part around the mole out because this mole was one step away from Melanoma. Cancer.
Cancer -that I could never have, because I am young, and fit, and healthy.

Nobody is invincible,.
And though it could have been an lot worse, I was faced with a significant reality check.
Thoughts spun through my head. So young, so much yet to do, not ready to leave.

Its almost wonderful to be forced to evaluate your life, in spite of how terrifying it is.
I thought, where have I been, what have i done, where am I now?

And I thought...

Where have I been?
I have been overly blessed and born into a family with arms wide open.
Never had to doubt I was so very loved, and cared for.
Never had to wonder if I was important or worthy of love.
Had every door opened to me to succeed in my life, and every other door to explore the world and enjoy this precious life i was given.

What have I done?

I have gone to school, learned and graduated from college.
I have traveled much of the world, though there is still so much to see, but i'm only 27.
I have discovered a career that means something, to me, and to those i teach, and that I love.
I have loved, fully and whole heartedly without reservation, my friends, my family, and with relationships.
I have made mistakes and taken them to heart and worked on being better and doing better next time, then moved on.
I have found the love of my life! And we have promised to each other to start a family of our own and dedicate our lives to one another, getting married this august.

Where am I now?
Learning how to be an adult, depending on my parents less and less ( though god knows i'll always need them in a way that every child needs their parents).
Getting ready to make a family of my own (marriage, then in a little while, children of my own)
Feeling joyful and like I am coming into my own.
And most importantly, when i reflected on my life and where I am now, i knew I had no regrets.
No regrets!
I have never been perfect, but I know that I have loved and learned and given freely of myself.
And i don't think i could do any better than that.

And so let us appreciate every single day we are given.
Every second, even the bad ones.
Because we are alive, and this is the only chance we get.

fight your deamons

"When we were made we were set apart
Life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in"

- Brand New, Degausser

I can't shake the feeling that I have a knack for making not so great situations worse.

I feel surrounded by people who seem to be constantly confident, sure, rational and easily happy.

And then I come around and screw it up.

It seems I can make even the calmest person livid.

So what gives?

I'm not vindictive. I do not find joy in making people mad, nor do I enjoy being upset.

As soon as its happened, i wish i could change the way i acted or handled the situation.

But its too late.

I have problems stepping back, evaluating at the moment.

And even when I'm not emotional and saying things that might make a situation worse, even when things are happy, mostly I am just plain awkward.

I can't shake this little feeling, i'll never get anything right..

Why don't I exhibit the kind of success and confidence that i was raised in?

Why do i fail to go get things and then do them well?

It seems I come from somewhere that I cannot measure up to.

I need to be able to conquer the world if I chose, but I don't think I could.

And in many ways i do want to.

Sometimes, not in the way one might think, that is not in the i hate myself and my life and am utterly depressed kind of way, but sometimes I wonder what is it that i'm good for?

I wonder this in the sort of way that I take a lot, but don't seem to have that much to offer, really at the end of the day when you consider all those out there who are brilliant and confident and, well, conquering the world in their own way.

I'm not sure i do anything excellently.

I used to think i could write decently, but even then it was not good enough in comparison.

But now that seems to be non existent.

As i realize the years that pass in my life, i am faced with the cold reality that I will not have infinite chances in this life.

I think I would say that most of the time, though definitely not all, that I do close to the best I can.

But there lies the seriously paralyzing problem; that my best simply might not ever be good enough.

For the life I aspire to lead, for the company i seek to keep.

Fear overwhelms me and I sink deeper into oblivion.

"I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right"

- brand new, degausser

bucket lists

Tonight at a family dinner at my parents house, my sister started talking about a "bucket list."

She reminded me how she and her husband and a couple they are friends with decided to start a bucket list together where they each took turns writing down something they wanted to do or experience at some point in their lives and then would do, as a group, every other year or so.

They did this as a group so that they would hold each other accountable and actually do these things instead of just talking about them, which we so often do.

So then all of us at the table started discussing our "bucket lists" and I've been brainstorming in my head ever since about all the things that would be on mine.

Not that its hard for me. In fact, Brian (my fiance) always rolls his at me for the constant ideas and adventures i propose and the things i continually come up with. I admit I have new ideas almost every week, most of them travel motivated, because that's really what I love to do most (well, besides eat).

So here is the beginning of my "bucket list", what I have so far. And god only knows it will rapidly multiply, because, hey, I'm a girl who is up for almost anything, and I have a great imagination...

- Go on a hot air balloon ride

- Go on a week long or at least several day riverboat cruise down the Mississippi visiting all the old towns and plantations

- go on a Safari in Africa

- Race sled dogs in Alaska

- Go on the sounds of music tour!! (yes, this does exist.. its in Austria)

- Go on an English countryside trip.. where I.. Stay at a manor, shoot skeet, ride horses and drink lots of tea. :)

- Visit Champagne France and go Champagne tasting

- Go on a sleigh ride, horse drawn.. preferably while its lightly snowing while taking it to a cozy dinner by the fire :)

- Go to Scotland and do something there.. not sure what yet

- Go to and stay at a ranch

- Sail through the great barrier Reef

- Ride in a biplane

- Go to a country dance in a barn

- See a Shakespeare play at the Globe in London

- Go to Prince Edward Island (Canada) - the setting of my all time favorite show, Avonlea

- Raft down the Colorado river in the Grand Canyon

- Buy myself a Chanel bag on the Champs Elyse in Paris

- Attend a winter Olympics and see snowboard cross and figure skating

- go on a cruise to Antarctica

-Successfully cook a delicious and authentically French beautiful meal

-Visit Savannah and some other southern places that are on the ocean

- See fireflies.. can you really catch them so they are all lit up in a jar??

- See a ballet by the American Ballet Theatre

- learn how to play polo

- do a multi- day overnight river rafting trip

- Go to an authentic new England clam bake

- See Lines Ballet

- see a concert in the Vienna opera house

- have tea at Laudree's tea salon in Paris

- visit big sur and take a bath under the stars

- Spend a summer ( or at least 3 weeks) at a lake or beach house shut off from tv and Internet.. just reading, cooking, swimming, sleeping on a deck under the stars some nights.

Ok, that's it for now..

More to be added later, i'm sure!

What's on your list?

Spring and beginning

So i'm going to start this blog with my observation of how suddenly, it seems to be spring

This is my first blog, and fittingly, spring seems to conjure up images of birth, and new life.

After the dead cold of winter (for some of us, in some places, though not here, thank god!), the thaw begins and warmth, even a little bit from a weak sun, seems like an invitation to emerge and bloom, and involuntarily my body lets go a little, and relaxes.

The other day I was driving and couldn't help but notice that everywhere i looked flowers were abloom; yellow and purple, so vibrant and in giant patches.

On this day, with flowers abound and a sunny fresh breezy blue sky dotted with clouds, I realized, quite jarringly, spring had officially arrived.

Living in southern California where the seasons are not very pronounced, I sometimes feel I miss the subtleties of spring, and one mild sunny day leads into another until the air and the ocean are noticeably warmer and its summer.

I blame it on the region, but the day I noticed spring, I wondered if I was not at fault all along.

I read an article the other day where a father explained that he used to get frustrated taking his toddler on walks. His daughter refused to remain in a stroller, and when he let her out, she wandered from rock to sidewalk to stray puddle, going in no direction and making their walks take twice as long.

And then one day he stopped trying to chase after her and just watched. He was impressed by her observations and discoveries, finding wonder in the seemingly ordinary things we pass over each day without a second glance, as so many children are apt to do.

So from that day forward, he made his daughter the leader of their walks. Though it took more time, he found their new observations and discoveries - wanderings made him notice the sky, the flowers, a dog- infinitely more valuable.

These days its difficult to notice anything that is not slapped in our face in an aggressive and overly stimulating way, because sadly, that is what we have become accustomed to.

The speed at which t.v. is broadcast to us is over 24 frames per second- that is the frequency (rate) at which an imaging device produces unique consecutive images called frames.

No wonder we find looking at a flower or watching the sky boring.

Not only are we constantly over stimulated, we are constantly looking for and rushing to the next thing that is speedy enough to entertain us or even grab our attention, and we lose everything in the background, and everything in between.

Because I live in a region where seasons don't drastically change, and therefore my attention is not wrangled away from whatever is pulsing in front of me, I usually don't even notice the world of nature changing around me and the beautiful delicacy that entails. And I cannot blame this on where i live.

I am grateful that i noticed spring this year. The sense of peace and wonderful slowing change from the daily quest to simply get from point a to b and constant over stimulation was quite gratifying.

And I am not even one of those people who can never relax and shut it off.

Some of my favorite days have been spent lying in the sun in peace an quiet reading a book.

But I could do better.

This is not thing of defiance or to prove I am better or different.

Its for the good of my health and peace of mind, and for the fact that i am simply happier and more satisfied when i take the time to slow down and notice the world around me.

The speedy man made stimulation that surrounds me can be fun, but alone and with too much of it, it simply leaves me feeling empty and tired.

Stepping aside to notice spring, a flower, the breeze, or in the eyes of that toddler, a bug, a puddle or the sidewalk, brings my mind alive with wonderment and a great appreciation for the world that I too live in (even though I seem to forget it sometimes!), and leaves me feeling fulfilled and at rest.

So here's to spring - may it remind you to wander and discover and see life with new eyes.