Choose Joy

Choose Joy. I think I read this somewhere in the past couple of days. Its stuck in my brain and when I woke up this morning its what I thought of.
This seems simple. But many of us do not think of Joy as a choice. We think of it as something others bring to us, something things or experiences provide. It takes the right things, the right situation, the right formula to experience pure joy.  It is true that certain things or people or experiences give us joy, and often joy without the expectation of it, which is a wonderful feeling.
But like anything worthwhile in life, I think that often you have to work at joy. There are many forces working against our ability to be joyful. We live in a world of instant gratification, of impossible standards and which values things and more things. This world expects joy from thrilling experiences, lavish living and a life of pure ease. These ideas are a huge disservice to our happiness. Because life is simply not like that. Sure, there are moments of great excitement and thrill, but mostly it is just the daily rhythm of a life that is not always purely gratifying.

And so we could have this sort of mantra of "choose joy." You are not a helpless bystander of your own happiness. You are in control of it. Every day you can choose joy. Choose to be happy, to be thankful, to see the good and to be grateful for all the wonderful things the world has to offer. Some days will be much easier than others. Sometimes joy just cant help but find you, and others you will really have to work at it. But for most of those I know, we have a lot to be joyful about.
Joy means doing the things you love, however small. It means stopping to notice something beautiful around you. Finding happiness in something as small as a coffee or a song. It means knowing you are joyful because you have people in your life who love you. And in the most basic ways, and on the hardest days it means finding joy in the mere fact that you are alive and have a roof over your head, you are free of suffering and hunger.

So choose joy. Isn't it more fun anyway?

lullaby

My parents never sang me to sleep, and I can't blame them. The musical talents in our family run very, very dry. My parents did, however, tuck me in each night, tell me they loved me. These kinds of comforts are invaluable. I find sometimes one of the hardest things about being an adult is having to always take care of yourself, never having the luxury of letting someone else do it for you. Sometimes after a long day, you just want a home cooked meal and someone to tuck you in.
Sometimes I feel this loss quite painfully, knowing that not only do I now have to pick my own self up and tuck my own self in, but that one day I will be the one who is constantly doing it for my little ones. I will of course be happy to give the love and help, but where does that leave me? So much giving and taking care of others and no one swooping me up and telling me its going to be alright. At least not in the way a parent does for a child.

The one lullaby I did get to hear growing up that always makes me smile is one that was sung to us every night at a sleep away summer camp i went to for several summers. When I think of it, I am back in a cabin, tucked away in a sleeping bag on a bunk bed, feeling so safe and sure. I can smell the pine trees and feel the sting of summer sun on my skin.
And so when I really need a lullaby these days, I sing it to myself in my head.
It goes like this:

The time has come for us to say
That it has been a lovely day
And God's spirit dwelling in your heart
Won't be leaving cause the sun goes down
So have a good night
Have a good night
Have a good good night
Have a good night my good friend

Where time stands still

Misty with rain, a slow moving and dreamy Paris with a moonlight serenade soundtrack is where I lie. Far from the mundane it shines and inspires. The benches and love that warms them are slick and beautiful. Here is a pace and a lovely haze where time ceases to pass. Black and white with dots of warmly worn pastels shape the vignette that complete this view of romance and a passionate solitude. Both comprise the intangible magic that is this place. The people who create and are inspired by the trees, the bridges, the buildings, impossible for them to be intertwined in anything else but the sway and pull of this place, and those who are buried in one another, their infatuation only strengthened by the timeless glow of a city alight with romance.
And a sign. Just like the doors, of thick wood carefully painted in soft pretty letters inviting one to find a place in its landmark, the cafe. They say, come sit and watch. Watch the lovers, as their legs intertwine under a huge umbrella, the rain as it somehow lights up the streets and the buildings. Imagine and taste, think and love. Be here, so present and so wonderfully far away with ideas and notions that can't help but be inspired by the beauty that surrounds. The iron balconies and abundant window boxes filled with brightly colored flowers. The rooftops popping with dormers leaves an everlasting impression.
A place in time where beauty is in every inch and ideas and love thrive, never one without the other.

Absorption

Sometimes it takes a long while of inaction, of not thinking but simply being to come to a revelation. Its not often we can fully disconnect and let things happen around us and to us without putting up the barriers that we naturally do raise. We may go along, content enough, never wake from a state of complacency unable to lower the barriers or stop working towards something we feel we should be heading towards.  Or sometimes there are moments of shock and clarity or inspiration but they are fleeting.
It is often not only until we can become disconnected, observing and enjoying without a particular goal that things become clear. Maybe its the absence of pressure, or the simple act of letting ourselves just be for once, but it surely is an unexpected pleasure.

I spent the last couple of weeks in France. I went for vacation; for the food, wine and scenery. But I know that entering another country and culture always has its unexpected and lasting effects. Isnt that really the point of travel? To learn about others and how they live, and to be reminded that your ways are not the only ways. To see the differences and appreciate them and respect them, but also to realize how small the world is and how we are all really the same. People are people, who only want love and happiness and to be respected. Traveling in another country can be a humbling experience at times. You are an outsider, a guest and the native people really owe you nothing. But this really gives you the chance to disconnect and observe, slow down in a way you can never do a home. A chance to clear your mind, notice the small things and just absorb.
That is the definitive and favorite word that stays with me from my trip, absorb. Absorb the endless cheese and wine, the sunshine and foreign words floating around be with their beautiful finish. Absorb the images of rolling vineyards, buildings drenched in hundreds of years of history, the way food is so delicately prepared and presented, absorb a pulse, a rhythm, a way of life that I can stand back and admire.
I really didnt suspect the impact these weeks of absorption would have on me. I knew i'd feel relaxed, appreciative of the beauty and the delicious pastries, but not that some things would become utterly clear to me, especially when i didn't spend one minute actively looking for clarity or answers for any kinds of questions.
But, as I laid in bed on our last night in Paris, some things just occurred to me. I need to do something (job) creative and I really really really want to do it on my own terms. I've always known I like to be creative and need an outlet for it. But this was something different, something much more clear. I felt suddenly that just having a hobby of being creative every now and then was simply not going to do. I needed to do something that I created, that i was proud of on a daily basis. From this revelation I asked myself what I think are some of the hard questions; so, you want to do "something" creative... what exactly? How will you do it?
And there came my want of doing it on my own terms. Ive watched so many people I love in family turn their ideas and dreams into their own business or own way of doing what they love outside the strict expectations of "normal" jobs or companies. I've watched them make this dream into a reality and consequently made the life they love to live. So, I thought, why not me?? I can do this, I think, or at least try!
And so I've been working on a project, that I hope can turn into something I can do for a living. And the best part about it is that its my creation and I get to say how its done and when!

I've definitely been wavering between giddy hope and a sense of despair that I will never be able to pull this off and i'll never be good enough. I feel incredibly vulnerable and desperate to achieve this. But I guess that these emotions mean that this means something to me, and thats a start.

So here's hoping... for a bright future in creation and entrepreneurship...


Some photos of beautiful France! What an inspiration!

ascend the mountains

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop away from you like the leaves of Autumn." - John Muir




Last weekend I had the great fortune to go on a backpacking trip in the high sierras of Yosemite National Park. I had been to this particular high sierra camp Glen Aulin before, almost 10 years ago with my dad and sister. From the time I was about 9 until that trip when I was about 19, I had the great opportunity to have gone on several similar backpacking trips in Yosemite through a summer camp I went to near the park. I was always deeply impressed by the beauty and solitude of the high sierras, able to let the silence and magnitude of the scenery wash over me with complete surrender. It was simple to transition from the busyness and crowded throngs of "regular life" to the quiet meditative peace of the mountains. These trips always carried with them a deep spiritual retreat as well. The summer camp was rooted in deep christian faith and a kind of very close family was always formed there. These trips provided a kind of comfort and real grounding that I can scarcely recreate in my adult life.
I know the combination of simple, trusting and adaptable youth as well as nostalgia that grows as the years pass and time gap widens between then and now attributes to this view of these trips. I do know, that however exaggerated, these memories are some of the fondest of my childhood and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Our trip last weekend of course made me think about the backpacking trips of my youth, and my reaction was one of mixed feelings. For one, I felt grateful. To be back in the overwhelming beauty of the high sierras, to take a break from the "real world". I felt warm and calm remembering the trips of past. But I also felt a sort of strange melancholy for what seems like simpler times lost. I know that coming back as an adult, I had a harder time letting go completely of the everyday noise in my head, relaxing fully into the beauty and peace that surrounded me. Sadness, also,  for the lost ability to give myself more in a spiritual way. Although I don't think I can ever be completely sure of what I believe in a spiritual sense, and do know where my tendencies lead, I mourn the loss of the comfort that came with the kind of convictions I had in my youth. It saddens me, I think, not because somewhere deep down I think I have strayed from a path I should be on or a belief that I am wrongfully rejecting, but because like all humans, I long to find meaning in the world, to find a connection in the void. 

But through that sadness comes another source of joy and a different kind of comfort. The mountains were still there. They will always be there, ever present and majestic. Nature will always welcome those who seek comfort and peace in its beauty. While people continually complicate the world, marginalizing and persecuting others in the name of religion and their beliefs, the mountains remain silent pillars of peace and acceptance to all. They are more tolerant and steady than any human spoken "belief" that seems to mostly judge and ridicule. 

And so I will always return, young or old, with structured beliefs or not, eternally grateful to the incredible temple of nature that always welcomes me with open arms. Let us never take for granted the beauty of our earth, and care for it like we should. It has so much to offer us. 

look for the good

So keep'em coming these lines on the road 
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load 
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise 
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes 



Worry. It does no one any good, yet it often is a part of our lives. I am a worrier, I admit. I always over analyze things, I often tend to imagine the worst when it comes to people and how they feel about me. I like things all arranged nicely in a way that makes me feel good and that all is well. But life is messy, and people are unpredictable and out of my control. Here is where letting go comes in. Something that I'm not very good at. I clutch on to things, to people, desperately trying to fix and make pleasant whatever may be awry. I do it for obvious reasons; no one likes to feel unrest, but also I think somehow I usually feel like its my obligation to make things better, because I usually feel like it must be at least partially my fault.

Is this disturbing? I know I have issues with blame, and Im trying to be bigger than that. I'm working on having more faith in myself, but I'm glad that I can admit blame and don't ever want to lose humility. Mostly I want to learn how to worry less. To focus on the good, and if something is awry, do what is needed to rectify it, and then move on. This will mean that I will have to leave things and move on from things that are not perfectly wrapped up and made pleasant, because that is not always possible.  Do everything with love in mind. That's all we can do. Do good, be kind, apologize when needed and then let go, seek peace.



“If you permit your thoughts to dwell on evil you yourself will become ugly. Look only for the good in everything so you absorb the quality of beauty.” ― Paramahansa Yogananda




Simplify. Focus on the good, the beauty. Life is oh so short. Why waste it in worry? Whenever my worries overcome me, I know I need to turn the focus inward and simplify. At the end of the day we have ourselves, our earth and hopefully love. That is the good, that is the beauty. Let me focus on this, and I will be rewarded tenfold. 

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Plato



As I was leaving work today, I found that I was kind of grumpy. Yes, it had been kind of a long day. A LOUD day. I teach third grade, and some days the noise level is jut a little much. A day of repeating myself, again, again. A day where I felt I must have been speaking a language other than English because I got either no response or actions that showed the opposite of what I was asking...  Well, yes, these days, in what I do are inevitable, and really not that bad. Usually fatigue is the result.
In the midst of my grumpiness however, I remembered something. As a teacher you are taught to try to remember  what misbehavior almost always means in a child; and that is that a child acts out or misbehaves because they are missing some sort of fundamental emotional need. I know this, and believe it, but its not always easy to remember it or be sensitive to it when some children push you, day after day.
So I remembered this, and remembered and example that so truly proves this idea that happened just last week. I have a student who seems to always be misbehaving. As soon as my back is turned, this person is bothering other people or doing something they are not supposed to do. This person seems to never finish their work on time, or even complete it period. When this person does something they are not supposed to they lie about it... Lets just say my patience level with this individual is thin. Last week, however, this person finished work in a speedy and through manner. I was very proud of this person and made a point of telling them I was. This person proudly showed the work to a parent who immediately began criticizing the work and pointing out errors. My heart sank. It became all to clear to me that no matter what this kid does, he gets criticized. So why not act in a negative manner at school? Its all the same anyway. This kid acts out because he never gets positive feedback. Talk about feeling guilty. On the other hand, I know that this kind of behavior cannot be ignored or tolerated.
This was a sort of wake up call for me, in the sense that it challenged me once again to not forget the bigger picture. There is always so much more going on in some one's life, whether it be a child or adult. It challenged me to be a better teacher, a better person. I always try to be sensitive to others, but I can always do better. I need to do better. Take the time to ask a friend how they are, how they really are. To be supportive always of my husband and his endeavors instead of worrying about how it affects me.

I want more than anything to stay positive. Positive and peaceful. Its not that I have been unhappy, by any means. Often I find though, that its easier to complain or be disgruntled. Instead I want to chose the path of positivity. Taking the extra time and effort to be there for others in a real way, and also to keep my own life in perspective. I hope to emulate positivity. Who knows, it just might catch on.