The better part of happiness is to wish to be what you 

are 

                              - Desiderius Erasmus

A quote of the day to let settle in. I have a lot to say about this, but not the time nor the energy at this late hour on a weeknight to do it now.

I will say that sometimes we must go through some real pain and suffering to truly realize this idea. Not in the sense that we are wishing to be someone else, but instead to give us the gumption to stand up for ourselves, to realize we are perfectly fine the way we are, alone seeking just the peace and happiness that depends on no one but ourselves, or just the same finding joy in the company and love of others, but not letting them define us.

So tonight I am thankful. And usually I say for friends, for family for all the things that are important in my life.

But tonight I am thankful, first and foremost, and so greatly for me. I feel like you are not supposed to talk about yourself like this but oh how we should! Placing value, of the utmost urgency and reverence in yourself is essential to happiness and peace. 

And so I am thankful for me and "I celebrate myself and sing myself."

Tintern Abbey

I love literature and poetry; I've studied many different works and ready many more for pleasure, most all of which have brought me great joy. There are those few pieces, however, that stand out and most importantly resonate so deeply within me that their impression is ever lasting.

One of these works for me is "Lines Written A Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey". This is a poem by William Wordsworth, one of my favorite poets. I'm not sure when I first read this poem, I think probably In a highschool English class. Its funny because I have not read it in a long time or even thought about it, but yesterday I was on a horribly turbulent flight and I don't do very well with turbulance. Mostly because I get motion sickness very easily, and also because it scares me a little. Whenever I get motion sickness, I close my eyes and picture a calm place. This is a technique that helps me feel better or in the worst cases, not to throw up. Usually I picture a clean white room with a four poster wooden bed that I'm lying on, and huge french doors that open up to a sea view with a nice breeze flowing through. Yesterday for some reason what came to my mind was not this image, but the image I have in my mind of the scenery described in Tintern Abbey. Really this came out of no where, but it reminded me of how much I love the poem and made me want to read it again. So this morning I am in napa, on the patio on a beautiful day at a resort and so I read the poem again. And again I was struck with the beauty of this poem. The beauty of the words and the eloquence of the language, the potency of the meaning and how deeply I connect with it.

Imposing the poem in hopes that you, readers whoever you are will read the poem too and it will move you and you will find the beauty in it that I cherish and revere two much. After all, it's the beauty in this world and in words that make life that much richer and worth while.



"Lines Written A Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey"
William Wordsworth


Five years have past; five summers, with the length
Of five long winters! and again I hear
These waters, rolling from their mountain-springs
With a sweet inland murmur.*—Once again
Do I behold these steep and lofty cliffs,
Which on a wild secluded scene impress
Thoughts of more deep seclusion; and connect
The landscape with the quiet of the sky.
The day is come when I again repose
Here, under this dark sycamore, and view 10
These plots of cottage-ground, these orchard-tufts,
Which, at this season, with their unripe fruits,
Among the woods and copses lose themselves,
Nor, with their green and simple hue, disturb
The wild green landscape. Once again I see
These hedge-rows, hardly hedge-rows, little lines
Of sportive wood run wild; these pastoral farms,
Green to the very door; and wreathes of smoke
Sent up, in silence, from among the trees,
With some uncertain notice, as might seem, 20
Of vagrant dwellers in the houseless woods,
Or of some hermit's cave, where by his fire
The hermit sits alone.

                   Though absent long,
These forms of beauty have not been to me,
As is a landscape to a blind man's eye:
But oft, in lonely rooms, and mid the din
Of towns and cities, I have owed to them,
In hours of weariness, sensations sweet,
Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart,
And passing even into my purer mind 30
With tranquil restoration:—feelings too
Of unremembered pleasure; such, perhaps,
As may have had no trivial influence
On that best portion of a good man's life;
His little, nameless, unremembered acts
Of kindness and of love. Nor less, I trust,
To them I may have owed another gift,
Of aspect more sublime; that blessed mood,
In which the burthen of the mystery,
In which the heavy and the weary weight 40
Of all this unintelligible world
Is lighten'd:—that serene and blessed mood,
In which the affections gently lead us on,
Until, the breath of this corporeal frame,
And even the motion of our human blood
Almost suspended, we are laid asleep
In body, and become a living soul:
While with an eye made quiet by the power
Of harmony, and the deep power of joy,
We see into the life of things.

50
                                                If this
Be but a vain belief, yet, oh! how oft,
In darkness, and amid the many shapes
Of joyless day-light; when the fretful stir
Unprofitable, and the fever of the world,
Have hung upon the beatings of my heart,
How oft, in spirit, have I turned to thee
O sylvan Wye! Thou wanderer through the wood
How often has my spirit turned to thee!

And now, with gleams of half-extinguish'd though[t,]
With many recognitions dim and faint, 60
And somewhat of a sad perplexity,
The picture of the mind revives again:
While here I stand, not only with the sense
Of present pleasure, but with pleasing thoughts
That in this moment there is life and food
For future years. And so I dare to hope
Though changed, no doubt, from what I was, when first
I came among these hills; when like a roe
I bounded o'er the mountains, by the sides
Of the deep rivers, and the lonely streams, 70
Wherever nature led; more like a man
Flying from something that he dreads, than one
Who sought the thing he loved. For nature then
(The coarser pleasures of my boyish days,
And their glad animal movements all gone by,)
To me was all in all.—I cannot paint
What then I was. The sounding cataract
Haunted me like a passion: the tall rock,
The mountain, and the deep and gloomy wood,
Their colours and their forms, were then to me 80
An appetite: a feeling and a love,
That had no need of a remoter charm,
By thought supplied, or any interest
Unborrowed from the eye.—That time is past,
And all its aching joys are now no more,
And all its dizzy raptures. Not for this
Faint I, nor mourn nor murmur; other gifts
Have followed, for such loss, I would believe,
Abundant recompence. For I have learned
To look on nature, not as in the hour 90
Of thoughtless youth, but hearing oftentimes
The still, sad music of humanity,
Nor harsh nor grating, though of ample power
To chasten and subdue. And I have felt
A presence that disturbs me with the joy
Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime
Of something far more deeply interfused,
Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,
And the round ocean, and the living air,
And the blue sky, and in the mind of man, 100
A motion and a spirit, that impels
All thinking things, all objects of all thought,
And rolls through all things. Therefore am I still
A lover of the meadows and the woods,
And mountains; and of all that we behold
From this green earth; of all the mighty world
Of eye and ear, both what they half-create,*
And what perceive; well pleased to recognize
In nature and the language of the sense,
The anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse, 110
The guide, the guardian of my heart, and soul
Of all my moral being.

                                     Nor, perchance,
If I were not thus taught, should I the more
Suffer my genial spirits to decay:
For thou art with me, here, upon the banks
Of this fair river; thou, my dearest Friend,
My dear, dear Friend, and in thy voice I catch
The language of my former heart, and read
My former pleasures in the shooting lights
Of thy wild eyes. Oh! yet a little while 120
May I behold in thee what I was once,
My dear, dear Sister! And this prayer I make,
Knowing that Nature never did betray
The heart that loved her; 'tis her privilege,
Through all the years of this our life, to lead
From joy to joy: for she can so inform
The mind that is within us, so impress
With quietness and beauty, and so feed
With lofty thoughts, that neither evil tongues,
Rash judgments, nor the sneers of selfish men, 130
Nor greetings where no kindness is, nor all
The dreary intercourse of daily life,
Shall e'er prevail against us, or disturb
Our chearful faith that all which we behold
Is full of blessings. Therefore let the moon
Shine on thee in thy solitary walk;
And let the misty mountain winds be free
To blow against thee: and in after years,
When these wild ecstasies shall be matured
Into a sober pleasure, when thy mind 140
Shall be a mansion for all lovely forms,
Thy memory be as a dwelling-place
For all sweet sounds and harmonies; Oh! then,
If solitude, or fear, or pain, or grief,
Should be thy portion, with what healing thoughts
Of tender joy wilt thou remember me,
And these my exhortations! Nor, perchance,
If I should be, where I no more can hear
Thy voice, nor catch from thy wild eyes these gleams
Of past existence, wilt thou then forget 150
That on the banks of this delightful stream
We stood together; and that I, so long
A worshipper of Nature, hither came,
Unwearied in that service: rather say
With warmer love, oh! with far deeper zeal
Of holier love. Nor wilt thou then forget,
That after many wanderings, many years
Of absence, these steep woods and lofty cliffs,
And this green pastoral landscape, were to me
More dear, both for themselves and for thy sake. 160

sorrow

I don't have a lot of time to write now, so Ill just share a few brief thoughts that are so ever present for me right now.
The main one is sorrow. That explains how I feel right now. Sorrow, which floods my whole self and sinks in, heavy and not fleeing. Broken. I feel broken and not just wounded. Broken to where I know that there is no relatively simple fix. I wish i could find a way to wrench an effort from deep inside to do whatever it takes to simply address the sorrow and muster up whatever I had, do whatever I needed to do to fix it. But I know deep inside I'm too far gone for this to be possible. I feel the weight too heavily and I have no strength left.
I'm also not even sure where to start. These things that I feel run so deeply and are so entangled in me that I feel so lost. I just want to melt away and turn to dust.
Instead I must face each grueling day that will follow and try to be a decent human being to others when I need to interact with people, when all I want to do is say nothing, be nothing and just disappear.

I'm praying for strength and somehow peace. That I can move on with dignity and somehow feel like myself again.

Here's hoping.

Live And Let Live

Guilt Trip. Two painful little words. Feeling guilty, what is that really? Some say that to feel guilt you must know deep down you are doing something wrong. Often that is true, but not always. Sometimes people close to you, who hold meaning in your life can make you feel bad, "guilt trip" you about something that you really shouldn't have to feel bad about. Often it comes simply from a difference in opinion, and the unwillingness from the party giving the guilt trip to live and let live. Instead of realizing that another might have a different idea, or a different way of doing things that is perfectly acceptable, they take it as simply a wrong or an unacceptable way and therefore must make the other feel bad about their choice or ways.
The funny thing is that if we had a disagreement of this nature with a stranger or mere acquaintance we would never really experience the guilt trip. We would logically recognize the absurdity of the accusations or simple difference in opinion. When we deal with those who hold significant meaning and history in our lives everything changes. Emotion, rather than logic wins and the guilt ensues.

Now ive never been big on dishing out the guilt. I'm more of a spill my guts/anger type. And honestly, I think this way, though more upsetting at first, is much more productive in the end. Guilt tripping is passive aggressive. Two of my least favorite words in the english language. If you have an issue, address it, honestly and head on. I dont know about you, but I respond much better and find myself more understanding when someone comes directly to me and says im feeling this way because of this, and this is what I need from you. If it comes from a place of sincerity, of wanting to be honest because the relationship is important to them and you, then by all means. Relationships, of all kinds, are not easy. We must work at them and be willing to give and take, and most importantly be honest and conscientious of one another.
What, really is the point of making someone feel guilty? To make someone feel bad because you think they deserve it? To make yourself feel better?  To get what you want out of the situation and the other person? Does it ever solve any problems? I really think it is the worst solution or non solution there is.

What I want out of life is to enjoy and take in all the world has to offer. To live my life to the fullest and it goes without saying, doing so without harm to others. I am, of course willing to make sacrifices for those I love in my life, also to go out of my way to show them I care and that I love them. I am happy to do all that. But I will not apologize or feel guilty or badly for how I choose to live it. It is my life after all. And I think those that really know me would be hard pressed to say that I live it without regard for others or their feelings. So although I am happy to give, I cannot always bend over backwards and be at the beckon call and command of others. I am a grown woman with my own convictions, time and joys.

And so I love live and let live. Find what gives you joy and share that with others when you can. Don't make anyone feel guilty about doing their own thing. As long as someone is living with love in mind, what do you really have to make them feel guilty about? Spend your energy pursuing beauty and grace and joy.
Live and let live.


Love this song so much. Enjoy.

Take A Walk Around

For the past couple of days, "I've seriously had this song on repeat...

I hope this old train breaks down


Then I could take a walk around


And, see what there is to see


And time is just a melody

If I could take a walk around.. If I could just be. Why does it seem that lately I spend most of my time trying. Trying oh so hard to give, and to work and work some more and prepare, and clean up and make sure everyone is OK.  I just want to be. I want to just sit and enjoy the sunshine. Sit and enjoy a view. Think about nothing, or something that I'd like to think about.  

This video brings me instant peace and alternately a real longing and jealousy. I instantly feel happy and peaceful watching the wonderful surfing and swimming and the sheer simplicity and peaceful pace of it all. But in many ways I also wish it was me, and feel frustrated that its not.  I want to walk around barefoot and float in the ocean. I want to take it all in, enjoy the view and relish in a serene silence. I don't want to explain anything to anyone for a while or worry about everyone else and if I am saying the right thing. 

Don't get me wrong. I am a happy person. I am very happy with my life and feel very lucky to have all that I do. For some reason lately it just feels exhausting. So much effort to be where I'm supposed to be and put everyone before myself all day long without anyone (besides my husband at the end of the day, thank god) asking me how I feel or how I'm doing. Effort, exhaustion, rat race? Life's too short. 

I want to be selfish and think about myself a lot of the time. Not at the cost of others, just so much as to make sure I'm taking all that this wonderful world has to offer in the short time I'm lucky to be here..

But as always I am the decider of my own life and what it is or will become. I am not a helpless victim. I luckily have choices. So, if feeling less exhausted and neglected means changing my day to day, then I can figure out a way to do that. Or, it might simply mean making sure I prioritize, ignore things when I can and need to just be. 

As Thoreau said:

"Our life is frittered away by detail... simplify, simplify."

Constellations

“If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." - Mother Teresa 



A summer sky splattered with a million bright stars viewed from a porch lined with swaying trees swirls in the depths of my desires tonight. Peace and warmth, simplicity. Thinking of nothing but how beautiful it all is. The place where you have nothing dragging you, down and down. Where all toil has been forgotten and, let go.
I've been lucky enough to have many of those nights. Living completely in the moment, nothing is quite better. And now I find myself desperately wishing to be there. Desperately wishing that the monstrous effort I put into being a kind, understanding conscientious person (albeit with flaws, of course, I'm not perfect) would somehow balance things out like it usually does. I must say, with many a things at the moment, that I am at a loss. How can you offer your understanding and make an effort to give and be kind, and get not even an ounce of understanding in return? I am drained. And I am done.
Its frustrating, of course, but it also really hurts. I put myself, my heart, out there so often and so fully, and I trust that those that I do that for care enough to meet me half way and take an interest in me and my hopes, interests, concerns, as they would expect me to do for them. Yet, I'm beating my head against a wall. I'm screaming, and no one can hear me.
I have to be honest with myself. I'm not perfect. Its not like everything I have to say is more important, or my point of view is the only thing worth listening to. I have to ask myself, have I thought of what I might do differently, could I handle things differently?

I'm sure I don't have all the answers. But I know that I have done almost way too much introspection  because of my frustrations. For the things that I may have done wrong or did that hurt someone, and maybe I didn't even realize it, I've apologized. For the rest of my thoughts and opinions, they cannot be held against me.

The older I get the more and more I concentrate on trying to be open minded, diplomatic, understanding, and most importantly respectful of each individuals own path. No two people are meant to live the exact same life. There are a thousand different ways to be a woman, a mom, a human being. There is not one thing, or even one hundred things that one "should do" so we desperately need to strop trying to put people in boxes! Happiness comes in a thousand different forms, so never pity one that YOU think has something missing in their lives. Instead, if someone means something to you, a friend, a family member, and you want them to care about whats important to you in your life, take an interest in theirs. Though we may not always be in the same places in our lives at the same time, there are people we love that we want there always, and sometimes you have to make the effort to include them and let them know they are important to you. How can you ask someone to be passionate about your life when you take little to no interest in theirs?

So.. Understanding. Meeting half way. Taking an interest.
When a person is important to you, be willing to meet them half way. Retain your own opinions, interests and passions, but respect another's path. And something that I haven't mentioned, a lesson and method of thinking that I think can transcend personal relationships and reach into all interactions we have with others: make the goal of all interactions to lift someone up and make them feel good. How amazing is that thought? Approach every person withe the intention of making their day better, their outlook on life more sunny. I know I'd love it if everyone I talked to was focusing on the positive and in a way, encouraging me. We all need encouragement, a smile and most of all love. So instead of withholding these and only offering them in exchange for something that benefits us, give them often and freely. Positivity is contagious. Think of what a world we would live in if this was the general mindset.  Encouragement, smiles and love = happiness. Happiness!! And Happiness = peace. Sweet Peace.

And so I have my new goal, going forward. This is why i love blog writing, its therapeutic! Try to make every interaction a positive one, and even more, one where I have hopefully encouraged someone and maybe even made them feel good, important or even loved. Yes, thank you blog, for turning anger, frustration and hurt into motivation.

I only hope that ill be on that porch on a star filled summer night soon. Sweet peace and awesome beauty. I am grateful.

Lessons In Humility

“Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence.”  

     - Henry David Thoreau

Its the new year. I'm always surprised how quickly time passes and every new year I think, how could it already be a new year?
Life is oh so short, and oh so precious. The new year often causes us to reflect on these realities, and hopefully motivates us to prioritize. A new year often inspires us, to set goals and take advantage of the life we have been given.
As I begin the new year I have two things on my mind; defeat and examining the kind of relationships that are in my life.
The last couple of days have been humbling, to say the least. I have made some decisions and handled most situations the best way I knew how, and in some I know failed to do the right thing. I have no problem admitting fault. I am far from perfect.
It seems like a constant balancing act, walking a fine line between pleasing others, fulfilling obligations and even fitting into another's box, and being independent, making my own decisions and doing what I think is best for me. I know that it isn't really feasible to do whatever you want, when you want in life, but as we know life is short and you are in control of your own happiness. And so when do you decide to do what you know is best for you, and when do you put that aside and put others in your life before yourself?
And so I have made some decisions for myself and my own happiness, but not, I thought,  at the expense of anyone else, trying to always remember, whatever I do, to do it with kindness. None the less I seem to have disappointed or upset others, and after more than one incident in the recent days and week, I feel drained, and honestly pretty much defeated. This leaves me to question everything, and completely question myself and I hate it. I start to wonder if I really am making bad decisions, if I really am the cause of all problems and maybe what I thought was right is really me being an inconsiderate jerk.
I want to leave,  be alone where the only one I have to worry about is myself, and I can finally find peace.
And this defeat causes me to think a lot about the relationships in my life and the kind of affect different people in my life have on me.  In the past couple of months I had already been thinking about the kinds of people and kinds of relationships I want in my life. The older I get the more clear it becomes that I am the decider of my own happiness and that it is up to me to take control, as best I can, of my life and my own happiness. A big part of this is choosing who to surround myself with, and who I want in my life and who to have relationships with. Are the people in my life continuously lifting me up, inspiring me and overall being a positive influence in my life? Or are there people who emulate negativity, bring me down and hold grudges and make me feel guilty?
The answer is not always simple. Everyone has faults and no one is a perfect friend. But there comes a point when I think you can clearly realize a pattern of negativity from someone in your life. When they repeatedly bring you down, set unfair expectation or standards and act constantly disappointed in you or hurt by you.
 I want to be surrounded by people who inspire me, who motivate me and who understand, or at least make and effort to understand where I'm coming from. Relationships are about give and take, and I know if I expect this kind of support from people in my life and friends, I of course know that I must offer the same. And I know that people, myself included, can't always be this perfect friend, but there comes a point when sometimes you have to decide whether or not its worth it, whether its just to detrimental to have someone in your life who just defeats you.

Even though these thoughts and questions feel like more of a weight and seem to bring more sadness than anything, I hope that they at least leave me examining myself and how I'm living my life and force me to decide what I want in life and what is really important to me. Hopefully hard things, defeating things do that to us. Maybe they defeat us or burden us with sorrow for the short term, but hopefully they leave us with some wisdom and force us to find strength in character. Being humbled sometimes helps you realize the bigger picture. I just wish it wasn't so painful.



end note : this blog post is terribly written.. I really need to get back to writing more because its getting really bad.   Apologies.