Constellations

“If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." - Mother Teresa 



A summer sky splattered with a million bright stars viewed from a porch lined with swaying trees swirls in the depths of my desires tonight. Peace and warmth, simplicity. Thinking of nothing but how beautiful it all is. The place where you have nothing dragging you, down and down. Where all toil has been forgotten and, let go.
I've been lucky enough to have many of those nights. Living completely in the moment, nothing is quite better. And now I find myself desperately wishing to be there. Desperately wishing that the monstrous effort I put into being a kind, understanding conscientious person (albeit with flaws, of course, I'm not perfect) would somehow balance things out like it usually does. I must say, with many a things at the moment, that I am at a loss. How can you offer your understanding and make an effort to give and be kind, and get not even an ounce of understanding in return? I am drained. And I am done.
Its frustrating, of course, but it also really hurts. I put myself, my heart, out there so often and so fully, and I trust that those that I do that for care enough to meet me half way and take an interest in me and my hopes, interests, concerns, as they would expect me to do for them. Yet, I'm beating my head against a wall. I'm screaming, and no one can hear me.
I have to be honest with myself. I'm not perfect. Its not like everything I have to say is more important, or my point of view is the only thing worth listening to. I have to ask myself, have I thought of what I might do differently, could I handle things differently?

I'm sure I don't have all the answers. But I know that I have done almost way too much introspection  because of my frustrations. For the things that I may have done wrong or did that hurt someone, and maybe I didn't even realize it, I've apologized. For the rest of my thoughts and opinions, they cannot be held against me.

The older I get the more and more I concentrate on trying to be open minded, diplomatic, understanding, and most importantly respectful of each individuals own path. No two people are meant to live the exact same life. There are a thousand different ways to be a woman, a mom, a human being. There is not one thing, or even one hundred things that one "should do" so we desperately need to strop trying to put people in boxes! Happiness comes in a thousand different forms, so never pity one that YOU think has something missing in their lives. Instead, if someone means something to you, a friend, a family member, and you want them to care about whats important to you in your life, take an interest in theirs. Though we may not always be in the same places in our lives at the same time, there are people we love that we want there always, and sometimes you have to make the effort to include them and let them know they are important to you. How can you ask someone to be passionate about your life when you take little to no interest in theirs?

So.. Understanding. Meeting half way. Taking an interest.
When a person is important to you, be willing to meet them half way. Retain your own opinions, interests and passions, but respect another's path. And something that I haven't mentioned, a lesson and method of thinking that I think can transcend personal relationships and reach into all interactions we have with others: make the goal of all interactions to lift someone up and make them feel good. How amazing is that thought? Approach every person withe the intention of making their day better, their outlook on life more sunny. I know I'd love it if everyone I talked to was focusing on the positive and in a way, encouraging me. We all need encouragement, a smile and most of all love. So instead of withholding these and only offering them in exchange for something that benefits us, give them often and freely. Positivity is contagious. Think of what a world we would live in if this was the general mindset.  Encouragement, smiles and love = happiness. Happiness!! And Happiness = peace. Sweet Peace.

And so I have my new goal, going forward. This is why i love blog writing, its therapeutic! Try to make every interaction a positive one, and even more, one where I have hopefully encouraged someone and maybe even made them feel good, important or even loved. Yes, thank you blog, for turning anger, frustration and hurt into motivation.

I only hope that ill be on that porch on a star filled summer night soon. Sweet peace and awesome beauty. I am grateful.

Lessons In Humility

“Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence.”  

     - Henry David Thoreau

Its the new year. I'm always surprised how quickly time passes and every new year I think, how could it already be a new year?
Life is oh so short, and oh so precious. The new year often causes us to reflect on these realities, and hopefully motivates us to prioritize. A new year often inspires us, to set goals and take advantage of the life we have been given.
As I begin the new year I have two things on my mind; defeat and examining the kind of relationships that are in my life.
The last couple of days have been humbling, to say the least. I have made some decisions and handled most situations the best way I knew how, and in some I know failed to do the right thing. I have no problem admitting fault. I am far from perfect.
It seems like a constant balancing act, walking a fine line between pleasing others, fulfilling obligations and even fitting into another's box, and being independent, making my own decisions and doing what I think is best for me. I know that it isn't really feasible to do whatever you want, when you want in life, but as we know life is short and you are in control of your own happiness. And so when do you decide to do what you know is best for you, and when do you put that aside and put others in your life before yourself?
And so I have made some decisions for myself and my own happiness, but not, I thought,  at the expense of anyone else, trying to always remember, whatever I do, to do it with kindness. None the less I seem to have disappointed or upset others, and after more than one incident in the recent days and week, I feel drained, and honestly pretty much defeated. This leaves me to question everything, and completely question myself and I hate it. I start to wonder if I really am making bad decisions, if I really am the cause of all problems and maybe what I thought was right is really me being an inconsiderate jerk.
I want to leave,  be alone where the only one I have to worry about is myself, and I can finally find peace.
And this defeat causes me to think a lot about the relationships in my life and the kind of affect different people in my life have on me.  In the past couple of months I had already been thinking about the kinds of people and kinds of relationships I want in my life. The older I get the more clear it becomes that I am the decider of my own happiness and that it is up to me to take control, as best I can, of my life and my own happiness. A big part of this is choosing who to surround myself with, and who I want in my life and who to have relationships with. Are the people in my life continuously lifting me up, inspiring me and overall being a positive influence in my life? Or are there people who emulate negativity, bring me down and hold grudges and make me feel guilty?
The answer is not always simple. Everyone has faults and no one is a perfect friend. But there comes a point when I think you can clearly realize a pattern of negativity from someone in your life. When they repeatedly bring you down, set unfair expectation or standards and act constantly disappointed in you or hurt by you.
 I want to be surrounded by people who inspire me, who motivate me and who understand, or at least make and effort to understand where I'm coming from. Relationships are about give and take, and I know if I expect this kind of support from people in my life and friends, I of course know that I must offer the same. And I know that people, myself included, can't always be this perfect friend, but there comes a point when sometimes you have to decide whether or not its worth it, whether its just to detrimental to have someone in your life who just defeats you.

Even though these thoughts and questions feel like more of a weight and seem to bring more sadness than anything, I hope that they at least leave me examining myself and how I'm living my life and force me to decide what I want in life and what is really important to me. Hopefully hard things, defeating things do that to us. Maybe they defeat us or burden us with sorrow for the short term, but hopefully they leave us with some wisdom and force us to find strength in character. Being humbled sometimes helps you realize the bigger picture. I just wish it wasn't so painful.



end note : this blog post is terribly written.. I really need to get back to writing more because its getting really bad.   Apologies.

things that make me smile

Its been a bit of a stressful week or couple of weeks. Nothing too important or life changing, just feeling run down and a bit neglected or forgotten at times.
But, tonight I finally feel more relaxed than I have in days. Nothing has really changed, per say, except that I guess I feel like I'm starting to  learn to let go a little. I am a person who puts myself out there, heart and soul and relish in my connection with others. This I see as a positive, and I will of course continue to this.  But at times it leaves me feeling a bit wounded. Sometimes I don't seem to get back as much as I feel I am giving. Of course I am not some perfect selfless person, but I do love and like to feel love in return.
So I guess I'm discovering, or attempting to anyway, the balance between throwing myself  into continuously giving myself and my feelings to others, and knowing when to back into the shadows and be patient. How to weather other's storms that need to pass before they are able to give of themselves to me. It will never be easy for me, but patience is everything.
This doesn't mean that I will withhold my love and support until I am sure it can be reciprocated; what kind of relationship would that be? Instead it means knowing when to take a step back, silently always loving, but seeking peace and other joys from within myself and what the earth has given me.

And tonight as I finally am getting better at achieving these goals, I can't help but think of some things that tonight, and through all my recent stresses have made me smile.

My husband! Sometimes I feel like without him I really would feel so alone. No matter what I know he is always there for me and always supports and loves me. And most of the time he goes that extra mile to   do something funny or sweet that makes me smile.

Tea. Tea in the morning to help wake me up and savor a few quiet moments in a hectic day, and herbal tea at night in my PJ's to help me relax.

A TV show that shall not be named about a group of really strong women who make it through some pretty tough obstacles. Its inspiring and entertaining too!

 My comfy bed and a good night's sleep, unexpectedly catching the breeze on my face and Harry Potter movies.

This blog post has turned totally cheesy and I apologize.
But there you have it.

Is anyone out there ?

What makes something important to you? Is it only when someone else recognizes that thing you do, or it is also valuable to them to? Does it take someone else to validate something? Or can we find the value in it ourselves?
We are a being that seems to need and constantly seek approval form others. Why do we wear what we do, do the activities we do? Is it because we, and we alone find satisfaction in it? Or is it because we know others will recognize it and compliment us?
I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking approval. We are social creatures who thrive by human connection. Connection which includes love, support, empathy and acceptance or praise.
Where the problem lies, I think obviously, is if our sole vindication comes from others. We have to have faith in ourselves. We have to seek what motivates us and what we are passionate about no matter what the reaction of others is, as long as its not harmful to anyone.
But we all know that we feel better when something we work hard on, something we pour our heart and soul into is recognized and appreciated by others.
Today I've been asked a challenging question: Why do I write? What is the motivation?
Is it just an outlet for my feelings and thoughts, And will I continue regardless of what others think or even if they care to read it at all?
Is the point so that I can gain popularity? If that is so, does it mean that I need to simply write about what I think people most want to hear?
Of course the ideal is, write what you want, what inspires you and people will naturally flock to it, showering you with praise for your unique approach and world view. And I laugh.
Oh, the emotion. What is writing but an explosion of emotion? At least the kind of writing I'm talking about.
All I know is I write what I know, what I feel, what I have questions about. Essentially the things that move me and that I think are the fundamental motivators and questions of life.
And lately, mostly I feel lonesome about it. Is anyone out there listening? Does anyone care?
Does it matter?
To answer one of these questions, even if no one is reading, I'll keep on writing. Because more than anything it feels like an extension of me. A natural expression of someone who at many times, as I say, has too many feelings, too many thoughts and questions to keep inside. I can't seem to find any other way for expression I so deeply crave that fulfills this need.
Now, do I have anything to say that warrants people's time and interest? I don't know.
This thought is humbling, at best. Sometimes I think, what is a creation if you can't share it? Especially one that is supposed to warrant inspiration?
And I know there are so many out there that do it better, so why would it be me they care to follow?
But alas, I know I can't worry about that. I have to do what feels natural and what feels like me.
Because when I write that's what you get, me. Love it, hate it bored by it, whatever it may be, its me.
Sometimes its a better more eloquent representation of me, but that's the way it goes.

So I call out to  the void: I hope someone is listening. Because I care about you, because I want to inspire creation, love, connectivity, thought, and the act of questioning.
And if anyone out there is listening, I say thank you. Thank you more than you know. For taking the time to hear me, to have interest enough to listen to my thoughts and my creation.

The steaks are high, but the risk is worth the possibility of complete failure. 

Travel keepsakes and Inspirations

Mykonos, Greece

                                                                      

If you know me, or have read my blog you probably know how much I love to travel. I was looking for a photo the other day and came across some of my pictures from various trips. It was great to see them, and re-visit those wonderful places, but I must say It didn't help subside the travel urge I constantly battle. Especially because lately for some reason it is stronger than ever. I think its because a lot of my friends are traveling and I don't have any trips planned or coming up to put my energy into....
Sigh.
And because today I feel stressed and really just feel like leaving my stresses behind and escaping..

Well enough of my self pity party. Hope you enjoy the photos.

Yosemite

                                                      

Paris

Bali, Indonesia

Maui, Hawaii

Bruges, Belgium

Yosemite 

Naxos, Greece

Mykonos, Greece

Napa, California

Naxos, Greece

Maui, Hawaii

Bali, Indonesia

Palm Desert, CA

Santorini, Greece

Palm Springs, ca

Bali, Indonesia

Santorini, Greee

Mykonos, Greece

Those Nights

Those nights, usually in summer, that stir a thing that's hard to describe, they are rare. Sacred is the way I'd put it. Its about an intangible. Something that simultaneously creates a euphoria ethereal, and a a longing so deep and sorrowful you know it can never be quenched.
Beauty reaches as far as the eye can see. The kind that fills the moment so that it feels like it might burst.  Perfect temperature combined with the awesome display of nature grandiose is almost too much. Its hard to believe the world exists in this way. An expanse so vivid and breathtaking has to fill the void. It should be enough to feel the moment of perfect peace deep in the soul, in the bones.
But beauty so impressive can't help but make us feel all too lonely. After all, how can we compare? Our imperfections become all too large and exaggerated. We long to create something so beautiful, but alas, we will never. We become so small and helpless. There is too much and we are not enough. And how many of these scenes will we never reach? Beyond the horizon lies so many nights and displays of wonder we long so deeply to see and know we can never reach. Our thoughts thrown into the void come back to us with a sense of wonder, but also with much defeat and despair.
And companionship is a necessity for our nature, but we know it is not still and unwavering like these surroundings. It is a constant quest full of compromise, and we worry that with each that we lose some of ourselves. The still and overwhelming beauty of these serene moments made possible by such settings will be disturbed, like the perfect glassy waters of a sunset lake erupting with ripples when rocks are thrown. Hard and fast they hit, and the recovery is slow and sad.
Those nights are emotion. A word that means nothing to some. A jumble of flowery words that have no real support. But the beauty is overpowering. We are at once awed and saddened. And so we can sit on the edge of a dock, looking out at a glassy lake into a vivid sunset and wish  to stay forever in the peace, love one in the beauty, and want to dive into the lake and float aimlessly knowing in melancholy how perfectly small and incapable we are.

 Those nights
 remain burned in my mind.

Pumpkins and Brownies

Today was surprisingly, a rainy day.  Its been close to 80 degrees lately, so a cool rainy day was quite a change. Coincidentally October has just begun. It feels like with the beginning of this month, fall has officially arrived.
Perhaps because of the weather, I left work feeling the need for homeyness and an urge for domesticity. When I got home I decided to add the little fall touches and small amounts of decor that give a nod to the season to our house. Fall wreath on the door, some mini pumpkins, fall leaves. I love seasons and holidays.  Its always fun to celebrate, but I think part of what makes me love them is the sentimentality. Holidays, and even seasons, at least for me, evoke memories and feelings of family, security, tradition and generally just warmth and joy. Times to take a break from work or school and be together, most often in the warmth of a cozy home. After all, home is where the heart is, wherever that may be.
And to add to the coziness, (and deliciousness) of it all, I baked chocolate brownies from scratch. I just took them out of the oven and the wonderful smell is filling my house.

I feel so blessed that I have a safe and happy home in which to celebrate the seasons and holidays, and also to have such a wonderful husband to enjoy it all with. I can only hope that when I have children that they will come to love the seasons and holidays, my little decorations and touches and feel so safe, warm, secure and happy. I hope they will look back on the seasons and holidays with love for all these reasons.
Here's wishing you the joy and warmth of the seasons and the glorious traits and qualities of each as they change. May you find warmth and comfort in the celebrations of nature and holidays spent with loved ones. Happy fall!