To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom

"Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."


As I end the day today, I try hard to internalize this quote.
But it is difficult, because I feel fear.
To explain, I hope in a short and bittersweet matter: I had to check some details and facts about a medical procedure I have to have in about a week tonight, and ended up reading through the steps of these (a combined procedure) procedures in detail and the preparations I have to do before, as well as what the results could be.
I have known about what I will have to do for some weeks, and had finally done a good job of putting it out of my head until tonight.
So all the not so fun details and fears and an image of me in a violating position in front of doctors came flooding back over me and I sort of feel panicked again.


And so the quote...


Especially in this case, since the fear I have is for something I can't control or change, and something that is to come. I cannot agonize over something that is out of my hands, and it will do no good to anticipate the worst or over analyze the situation.
Instead I need to once again put it out of my head and go on living my life for the next week.
When it comes, I will surrender to those who have greater expertise than me and my health and best interest ( I hope) at heart and go through what I have to, then be done with it (hopefully).
Its as simple as that......

Daily Mantra

This is my new thought for each day, each morning when i wake:
"All the windows of my heart I open to the day."  ~John Greenleaf Whittier


What a perfect, all encompassing thought for an approach to each day.


And, repeat...


(now if only i could find time daily for the meditation I learned in Bali, the actions of which are displayed by the statue above...)

Pretty houses goodies & France.

This morning Brian and I went to a coffee shop in our neighboring neighborhood, Mission Hills. Now we have both been in and around mission hills lots, and I also growing up.
But I had never been to the shop we went to this morning and this part of Mission Hills.
Can you say charming?! The coffee shop was mellow and cute: Espresso Mio.
They have a nice little patio in the back that overlooks a green and tree fill gorge.
But the neighborhood was what really took me by pleasant surprise.
I've always thought of Mission Hills as charming; filled with historical craftsman style houses, but this part of the community was just a step above.
We were on Fort Stockton and drove around the surrounding blocks in what we realized was one of San Diego's historic districts. Huge, tree lined streets with massive craftsman style houses, brick houses and other traditional style houses.
Up on the hill on this clear cool day, nice breeze, I couldn't really think of a better place to be.
This neighborhood just made the list of potential future homes.

http://www.missionhillsheritage.org/Historic/historic-districts.html

After a wonderful drive through these peaceful streets we made our way back home through the more familiar parts of Mission Hills and came upon one of my favorite stores, Maison en Provence.
This store is like my favorite things exploded all over the place. It is full of beautiful things, and more importantly all French beautiful things.
Linens from Provence, soaps, teas, antique French furniture. Parisian themed totes, note cards, tissue wrapped bunches of lavender.
Though I wanted nearly everything in the store, I did find a few favorites, and came out with two of them for myself; a Garnier-Thiebaut Eiffel tower dish towel, Harney&Sons black French tea and a Provonce print little girl's sundress.
I took home the dish towel and the tea. The dress will have to wait to be a Christmas present to my niece.

http://www.everythingprovence.com


After our visit to Maison en Provence Brian and I inevitably started talking about France. Me swooning over the Macaroons, the Tea, the Champagne, the Cheese, the scenery. And he came up with a new and incredible idea; why not go to France instead of to Italy like we had been planning for our first wedding anniversary in August?
And so to France we will go!!
I have been to Paris four or 5 times and to the south of France a few times but not anywhere else.
I CAN NOT wait to explore Provence and Champagne especially.
I have a bucket list, if you have not noticed, posted here on my blog, and there are three things on it that require me to be in France to do.
I cant wait to check off two out of three of them on our trip!
One, go to champagne and visit Veuve Clicquot and champagne taste, and two have tea at Laudree's tea salon in Paris.

So here's to Saturday morning's with my husband, coffee, beautiful neighborhoods full of charm, and the little things that make me happy, like Eiffel tower dish towels and trips to France. :)

“Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you. ”

― Peace Pilgrim

                                          Art salon in the historic Mission Hills Neighborhood

                                                                               Paris

                                                                             Provence

                                                                   Provence Lavender 

                                                                           Paris

Breathe

As this new month arrives I am reminded of the fact that I will have a birthday at the end of it.
Another year almost over, and what year its been! Engaged, married and bought my first home.
Though these milestones mark important rites of passage and steps of adulthood, I find lately, that i feel in ways more venerable and helpless than ever.
Many things seem just right, if not perfect and overflowing with joy.
Marriage, for one. I am so blessed to have my husband. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed at how much and how unconditionally he loves me. Me and all my faults and all the times he is the sane one, the bigger person.
After eight years together he still tells me I'm beautiful every day and how happy i make him.
Its also amazing to feel like you have complete confidence in someone. I feel safe, taken care of and like I will always have someone who will be my best advocate. I don't worry because I know he'd never let anything happen to me.
Love is amazing.

But lately I've had a series of medical inquires, they are still going, that make me feel a bit panicked and undone. I'm sure everything will turn out fine; but that's just the thing, its out of my control and I don't know for sure what the outcome will be and that is just almost too much for me to handle at times.
Because anything can be surpassed with time and effort. The greatest heart break, the biggest disappointments. And I think that no matter the struggle I go through, I know, somewhere in the back of my head, it can and will be overcome.
But these things, concerning my health, I can't know for sure that they will be overcome with effort and time. What if there is nothing I can do?
I find myself feeling like a child, wanting my mom and dad to hug me and tell me it will be fine and I whole heatedly believe them because they know everything and would never lie to me.

And holy perspective. I find myself asking for heartache or struggles if it could guarantee that I would be completely healthy and live until I was 90.

I'm sure some people would role their eyes if they knew what I was dealing with, because nothing is said or done and no one is saying I should be worried, but I can't help it.

Life is not a guarantee. I know I am most thankful for the one I've lived so far.
But I have miles to go before I sleep.

Happy Halloween!

A Cliff Dwelling

There sandy seems the golden sky
And golden seems the sandy plain.
No habitation meets the eye
Unless in the horizon rim,
Some halfway up the limestone wall,
That spot of black is not a stain
Or shadow, but a cavern hole,
Where someone used to climb and crawl
To rest from his besetting fears.
I see the callus on his soul
The disappearing last of him
And of his race starvation slim,
Oh years ago - ten thousand years.

Robert Frost

People are too much it seems, sometimes. 

We are ticking bombs, waiting to explode all over the person that taps into the raw that is so ever present inside.

It seems easier to just avoid it all together.

I crave solitude today.

To be lost in a foreign city, where no one knows me or cares about me.

Or completely alone in a forest.

Somewhere away from the emotionally charged sea of people i somehow have no idea how to deal with anymore.

This doesn't mean i am a miserable human being. That i hate the world and all who inhabit it.

It just means that sometimes I need to be lost in the caverns of my own thoughts. 

And maybe it means i feel disillusioned or a bit anti-social.

Sometimes I just want to be. I don't want to worry about how my being or what I'm saying affects someone else.

If I could float on, down a quiet river... and if you could all just let me be.

"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I guess many people are not exceptionally talented. That sounds harsh, I know, but think about the words. Exceptionally, talented. That means you stand out. It means genius in some cases, or even just a glimpse into some way or something in a new light, that brings inspiration, thought, maybe awe.
So, yes, most people are not exceptionally talented.
I realize this.
But i crave creativity in my bones, and so seek those who not only exhibit this, but light up a fire, inspire and create awe and motivation.
So, as I read their blogs, view their creations, I sometimes feel sorely inept.
I know i have the creative drive, its a need for survival. But what can I create?
I think I have the subtle desertion it takes to recognize that something different, that something that we often seek to exude but just cant get there.
So from point A to B... ?
Are those who recognize destined to be simply recognizers their whole lives?
Or can we too become creators?

I long to create beautiful art, sew innovative and inspiring garments, create feasts that feed the soul.

 I wish anything and everything in my life could reflect that little light that speaks to creativity, beauty and that something different and inspiring.
But, am I capable? And also, am I too lazy?
Why can't it be that I just can't help it, that it seeps from my very pores?

All I know is that today I can feel the angst thriving within me. The frustration from lack of creation and creative brilliance.
I crave it and need it, yet am not sure exactly how to produce it.

Whenever i have these feelings at this intensity (because these feeling are always there, but not always so strong), I find I can't imagine that any other human could possibly know exactly how i feel and I long to be a recluse.
My tortured mind is just too complex.
yeah... ha.
I flatter myself.

I am not musically talented, god knows. But I love music. And what a brilliant creative outlet.
Its amazing how much music moves us, how expressive and innovative it lets us be.
Whenever I go to a good concert, I enjoy it, very much, but I also feel a sort of melancholy.
Because I can't have that outlet. Because I know in my bones I need to be putting something out there, in a way that really speaks. And not sure I can, or if I'm good enough, or how I can do it exactly.

Ok, so writing is definitely an outlet for me. But its not graphic in the visual sense. Which really strikes me. You can't stare at a page of writing and instantly be moved. You have to read, and contemplate. And thats ok, but sometimes I just want an instant punch.
And music is not visual, but its just so stimulating.

The other thing is, being profoundly creative is exhausting. Its like an adrenaline rush.
So how to keep it up?

I'm not sure where this leaves me.
I feel in all of my being I need to produce; in a way that is profound, beautiful, moving, inspiring and eye opening.
But how to do it, or how to keep it up?

God bless the creative geniuses; all you artists, musicians, photographers, chefs, paper artists, designers, writers and all those in between who combine these and more in a way that's new and interesting.
Because that is what life is all about, right?
Discovering and seeing the world in a new way on a constant basis.
Hell, even if its not necessary to survival, it sure makes me happy.



                                                              Some Visual Inspiration
                                                                        (me; I like)