Your Life Story. No one else's.

Its a little cliche to write a post as the new year comes, but better now than never, and of course we all tend to feel reflective and thoughtful come the new year.

For me, as 2015 comes, I feel very happy and content, very lucky and blessed, yet that little bit of stress, worry and impatient anxiety tend to creep in too.  For most, there is always something we could worry about, or be discontented with, but i whole heatedly believe that it is our job, and ours alone, to end that cycle. If you focus on the negative, your life will feel negative. If you focus on what you don't have, you will always be dissatisfied. People who look on the bright side, and more importantly understand that gratitude is a constant daily necessity, are undoubtedly the happier people. These are things I know and understand, but as we can all relate to, are sometimes easier said than done.
As 2015 rolls in, I find myself thinking of life "stories", life paths, and the oh so unpredictable thing that is life's timing. There are a few things that really come into focus with these issues for me. For one, my generation seems to have been raised, in a wonderful way, being told that whatever it is you seek, as long as you work hard at it, and I don't mean kind of hard, I mean incredible dedication, you eventually will earn whatever it is your heart desires. You may not earn it exactly how you thought you would, but none the less, hard work pays off.

The other thing blaring so strongly in my mind is the issue of social media, when it comes to your life, and your life story. I am so very torn when it comes to most social media, as I love to share things, connect with friends and experiment with photography and share that. Yet lately, I see the very negative impact these social media encounters can have on me. It feels nearly impossible sometimes to focus on my own "life story" and be content to simply focus on that, on what I am blessed with, and how I can improve my own life for my own happiness and peace. Instead, in blaring neon letters, I start to see, sometimes over and over again, what I don't have. Or how I envy the timing in someone else's life, envy their "story" as it seems to all be unfolding so effortlessly. We all know, however, that things aren't always as peachy as they seem, the grass ins't greener. Yet its still so hard to digest sometimes when it seems its slapping you in the face.

I came across this quote today and it really resonated with me.

"Next time when you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in."

This is so lovely, so heartbreaking and so true. I realize so much as i read this how very hard I've been on myself lately. Looking at others, and thinking how beautiful their things or stories are, how lucky they are, and how I fall short. And in doing so, I've been silently punishing myself. And for what? For things that are completely out of my control, none the less. How ridiculous is that? This brings me back to my first thought, that whatever you seek, as long as you work hard, you can achieve it. Lately I find myself overwhelmingly frustrated with this notion. As we all know, many of the things you desire most greatly in life cannot be attained this way. In fact, they are mostly, completely out of our control. And that is a terrifying thought at times. I go back and forth from being incredibly frustrated realizing this, and on my way to accepting this and letting go. Sometimes it feels like a roller coaster. But I know, deep down, that I just have to let it go. What choice do I have? I know that I want to choose peace, and happiness, but sometimes the fear of the unknown, the uncontrollable is so overwhelming.

I know not to compare myself to others. I know that my "life story" is only my own and the timing of my life will be different from anyone else's and that's OK. And so, as I have done many times in the last months, I will remind myself to breathe, and let things unfold as they will. To choose peace and focus on the many many wonderful things I do have and the happy life I am blessed to live.
And today, I will start reminding myself of my own beauty as well. That as long as I am kind, loving and good to the world and those around me, making my best effort to do good, I can do no more. That this makes me beautiful, and successful, and that I am not, as my sometimes heavy heart makes me believe, a failure.  When I'm looking outward for things I seek, for my heart to be filled, to remember to look within me, because I am, I know, unmistakably beautiful.

Pink Hour

There is a most lovely time of day, I believe. It eases its way in, but without a second look its gone before we can even notice. That wonderful golden hour where the sun begins to fade. The air seems somehow calmer. A time of peace and a coming to close of the chaos that was that day. When I do notice it, I am overcome by it. Always by its beauty and sometimes with great gratitude and peace. Sometimes with quiet contemplation. And sometimes with sorrow.
Any way, its a time to stop and reflect, usually magnifying whatever emotion is most present within that day. No matter how I feel that day, I am always grateful for this time. When its so easy to push aside your true feelings through the busy schedules of each day, this time forces me to bring them to the surface, and hopefully deal with them, whatever they may be.

Tonight I miss my mom. The feeling of being cared for, completely and without hesitation. Some days it feels like we give so much of ourselves, we're worn thin. No mom there anymore to wrap us up, scoop us up and take the weariness away. We spend so much of our time trying to do the right thing, and sometimes without getting anything in return, its exhausting. But we are grown adults, and so we must simply press on. At the end of the day, happiness is our choice. We must work for it, work on it and resist the urge to want to be rescued by someone else. It is really our responsibility alone.
But I think its only natural to crave being taken care of. And though we cannot demand it from others, we can ask loved ones for a bit of extra love and care when we are feeling worn thin. As long as we are aware of the risk of greater disappointment. But sometimes we wonder,  is it nobler to carry on without complaint or expression of sorrow? We could silently soldier on, using logic and reason to constantly put things in perspective and, "let it go." A fine Idea. Reason away the unrest so that we can be the capable and confident people we feel we should be. And yet, another way in which we are so hard on ourselves. We must find kindness, release somehow and somewhere at times.

So tonight I am grateful once again for this most lovely time of day. I am grateful for its peace, for its beauty, for the opportunity of quiet reflection, however I may be feeling.
I hope we all take the time to notice this hour.
Soft pink, still skies end of day. What a gift.

Congratulations you're not a jerk!

Keep your head up

Keep your Heart Strong

Keep your mind set

Keep your mind set in your ways

Keep your heart strong

There will always be someone who has something negative to say. There's always something that could bring you down and make you feel like giving up. I think we all know we have a choice; to let someone or something bring you down and make you feel defeated or to accept constructive criticism and make the most of it.

Yet sometimes it doesn't seem that simple. You start to doubt yourself and wonder how it seems that everyone else has it together and you just cant seem to do it. You feel like you just won't succeed and ultimately like a failure. 

I sometimes grow tired of what seems to be the measure of success we look to. I feel like being a kind, thoughtful, loving and gracious person is of little importance compared to the "successes" we focus on. Having these qualities is sadly only acknowledged only with a passing wave. No one says, congratulations you are not a jerk, congratulations you offer unconditional love to those in your life and  lets go celebrate this accomplishment. I guess we dont necessarily need praise for behaving as decent human beings, but when this seems to fall by the wayside in favor of other successes it feels rather sad, defeating and even confusing sometimes. 

I think I have a certain kind of brain that doesn't understand many constraints. My brain, my heart, my emotion seeks to create beauty, foster love and embrace all the wonderful moments this world has to offer us. Life is for love, enjoyment and letting your brain ponder all the wonderful thoughts and possibilites that exist. Making art out of words and photos, attempting to match meaning, thoughts and questions to human existence. I just cant really fathom focusing on what seems like mundane details that have nothing to do with the long run.

But I know we all value different things. To each their own, all I ask is that others let me be, and do what I love and care about, as I will to them. 

And to those I know who are kind, thoughtful, gracious people, I say congratulations to you. You are few and far between. Being the way you are, I think, is the most important success of all. We need many more people who love unconditionally, dont judge others, and seek to make this world and more positive and beautiful place. You make my life worth living and I love you. Given all the negativity and judgement, those who always have something to criticize us for, you truly are what love is made of. 

Riding

Riding full speed, the windier the better. Screaming another's words that somehow give speech to your own feelings. Here you are untouchable. Sorrow and anger run freely and unapologetically. Where you ride, it matters little. Just as long as it is away, meandering and free. Its up to you alone how you do it.
Distance matching emotion, the passerby hardly noticeable through a blur of hair and eyes burning.

It ebbs and flows, as the road bends and dips, interrupted by moments of pink sky and thought.  This is a moving temple, a sanctuary of self that cannot be disrupted. Speed is power and relief,  as you soar onward.

Because on your feet you are stuck to a ground that offers little push or support. You tread on, heavy with swallowing it all. They day spins on and you do the best you can.

But then you ride into the blue, flying wildly with it all coming out the sides and letting yourself finally be the most basic wonderful you. Hopefully it leads you, in the end, to a bit of quiet. Peace is not always the final resting place, but the ride is essential. When the rest fails, it heals.

So ride and be free with no apologies.  Soar and speed on to peace and a source of inspiration.
Ride until you learn love yourself more. You deserve it.

Climb

I could go up to a high point, see the view. Maybe with height, comes clarity. Seeing far down the coast on a clear day, feeling the air up there, maybe the winds of hope and peace. Maybe its just the silence and solitude. At the end of the day, it seems like, who cares. Its up to me to get over it, whatever it is, because life goes on all around me. Full speed it swirls, life unfolding. Love buds and grows, new ones are born, people create and soldier on. Who wants to wait? And they shouldn't have to. If only I could keep up.

Climb up, up, up as high as I can go. Let my hair fly, wild all around me until I can hardly see. Let the wind blow everything around and away. Try to redeem myself through wind and sheer height. So very connected with all I see, so that it aches and whines in pain, in my bones. But I cant keep up and I can't blend into it all. Always choosing a road of resistance and pain for all, I loathe my choices and inability to love without conflict. Am I an Island? No one cares and neither do I anymore. I'm tired of hearing my own voice and thoughts. I am forgotten but I almost asked to be. They work hard to love me and I let it all dissolve and come to nothing.

It feels better at the top. So clear and so cold there is nothing left to think or say. Do I have to come down? I cant be alone up here forever and I can't act like I have a singular importance to stay up here alone or have to be coaxed down. So I guess I'll just try to absorb for the moment, the solitude and breathlessness. Coming down is next, but I cannot and do not expect fanfare. After all, life goes on below and around me.  Reaching the bottom means swallowing any fruitless or tiresome words or emotions that I may still have, and carrying on. Quietly and hopefully with a little more dignity than before. Taking responsibility for me, Ill offer what I can. Continuing on with the best effort to make choices that raise up and embrace those that have offered me love.

dream

"Dream
When you're feeling blue
Dream
That's the thing to do
Just watch the smoke rings rise in the air
You'll find your share of memories there

So, dream when the day is through
Dream and they might come true
Things never are as bad as they seem
So dream, dream, dream"

I let emotions get the best of me. This is a fact about me that is unfortunately a constant. I open wide, go big and sometimes have trouble reigning it in and balancing it all. I picture the best, predict the worst. I know I just need to let things be sometimes, to "go with it" as some say. But sometimes it just hurts too much, or I worry too much or I create perfection in my mind too much...
And I crash and burn. All of the sudden its too much. Waves of disappointment, confusion, until I can't bare people anymore and can only imagine solitude. Wandering through bluffs and woods where the mind can rest and be free without the worry of intrusion. But I always wander back, out of inability to disengage or simply defeated by loneliness. Some people have the ability to rationalize everything. I often am jealous of this life of equilibrium. But something tells me this rationalization, though a good lesson and often a source for much needed perspective, may not be the peace answer for all. Feeling with depth allows for passion and creativity and a fierceness that brings great loyalty, an eye for beauty and what lies just beyond the obvious. Things that come to mind or heart that dont usually arise from rationalizing. 

Contemplating people and feelings of sadness or disappointment, after the initial hurt, allow for a certain clarity. Clarity through emotion,  a clarity of priority, of action or lack of, and a sense of self usually becomes vivid.  
So we can "dream.. when we're feeling blue. Dream, its the thing to do."
Dream of the place where you escape the feelings that weigh you down. Solitude of a nature place. Dream of landscapes and buildings whose beauty put you at ease. 
Let the emotions reveal something; a clarity, a desire or an appreciation. 
And if all else fails escape and just dream.